My boyfriend broke up with me over text

I can see how painful this is for you. You know you’re young, but also feel he’s the person you want to be with in the long term. He’s someone, who when things are going well, ‘gets you’. I have no doubt you feel the same about him when things are ok.

But that’s the problem here I think. Neither of you finds it easy to approach mistakes or misunderstandings in a cool, calm and collected way. So, at the earliest opportunity you both jump to conclusions and then take dramatic actions – in this case walking away or having a big ‘standoff’. Some relationships can feel like being on an emotional rollercoaster because the highs are vertigo-inducing and the lows crashing and desperate. There’s lots of drama. Someone is always imagining the worst, looking for proof of this and apparently finding it - which is inevitably followed by feeling everything is over. Then, one of you starts the process of trying to get things back on track and at some point, you’re back together - feeling loved up and that the world is wonderful again. That’s fine, if it works for you. Yet unfortunately, as you’re now discovering, things have got stuck and it’s fallen on you to make things better.

In most relationships, we take on roles and responsibilities. These come in all shapes and sizes. Some of them are the ones we can easily recognise, like who gets the milk on the way home, who usually makes all the social arrangements or who gets to deal with the awkward neighbour next door. However, other roles are a little more difficult to spot. For example, in some relationships, one partner always has to win the other round. Not much is mutual and I’m getting the feeling that this may be what’s happening here.

From what you tell me, the job of getting your relationship back on track has fallen to you. You’ve had some reassurance that you can be friends and that he realises that what he’s had is the best. So, if that’s the case, why is he haunted by ‘what happened’ which to be frank, sounds like something that could have been easily sorted out by talking together. Even when people are upset and angry with their partner and just can’t talk about it at the time, the sign of a healthy relationship is that at some point, the couple can sit down and talk about what happened. In this case, it seems like you’ve been talking but now it’s your job to do all the running.

I’m wondering, too, about your decision that he’s ‘the one’. There’s a note of desperation in your letter that worries me a little. It almost as if this relationship ended you might not find another one. Is that how you feel and if so why? How come you need to convince him that your relationship is strong enough – he should know this and if really keen, be doing his bit to sort out what’s happened. This is the bottom line for me – from what you tell me, I just don’t see much effort on his part, although he may well be enjoying you run round.

I know this is probably a difficult thing to hear, but perhaps you should consider having a break from trying to get all this to work. To be clear, I’m not saying this because you’re twenty-two. In my experience, deep enduring love can happen at all stages of life, so please don’t think I’m doing the one about “you’re far too young to be so tied to something that isn’t working”. That would imply that if you’re older you should put up with unhappiness. Far from it. My reason for suggesting a break is that you might get a better chance to see whether he really is as keen as he suggests and also see things yourself from a distance. People often fear distance, but on occasion, putting a bit of space between yourself and whatever it is that’s happening doesn't half give you a better view of the bigger picture. It also provides you with the time to really understand what’s going on for you and what being in a healthy, respectful relationship actually means.

You’ve accused each other of cheating. A word to the wise here – I’d be very wary of anyone who does that on the basis of such a flimsy reason as you describe in your letter, because accusations like that often get worse over time. To be honest, I really do think that both of you might find it useful to look at why jumping to such hurtful and damaging conclusions were the first port of call.

People do this for lots of reasons. Sometimes, it’s to try and get their partner to go that extra mile to prove their love. Sometimes, it’s because they’re angry about other things and it’s just easier to focus on a partner. But sometimes, it’s because there’s an abusive dynamic to the relationship which shows itself in constant accusations, criticism, mind games and other forms of emotional abuse. Sometimes, when we’re right in the middle of a relationship and feeling desperate to keep things going, we might find ourselves making excuses for a partner who consistently does these things. I’m not suggesting that’s the case here, but if anyone finds themselves always having to be the one to apologise, it might be something worth thinking about.

I know I haven't been able to reassure you with tips on how to get him to see how much he loves you. Unfortunately, in my twenty-five years' experience as a relationship therapist, in situations where one person is holding all the expectation for the relationship, it often ends in disappointment and feeling let down. The best hope here for you and your partner is that you find a way together to explore what’s happened, take ownership of the bit you were responsible for, learn from it and from each other. That way, you’ll be learning some relationship skills together that may support you both in not repeating what caused the problems in the first place. Just remember though, you absolutely can’t do this on your own. If he doesn’t want to join you equally in that process, you might want to think about looking around. There really is plenty of time and not just because you’re only twenty-two.