I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. I've noticed that every time we argue, the only way we resolve the argument is if I take 100% of the responsibility and apologise to him.
When we argue we go days without any contact and it's always left to me to reach out and try to fix things. I'm starting to feel resentful and recently apologised when I didn't mean it just to end the argument. I realise this isn't healthy and I'm starting to think about ending the relationship.
I spoke to a close friend and they admitted they don't like the way he behaves towards me and pointed out other disrespectful behaviours. They went on to say he was insecure and feel that he tries to put me down to make himself feel secure. When they asked me why I'm with him, I couldn't answer the question.
I feel stuck and don't know what to do. Please help.
So, what you're saying here is that it's always your job to reach out and patch things up after an argument. As you realise, that's not a sign of a healthy relationship and you're right to question if you should be in this one.....
Relationships usually work best when people recognize, accept and love their partner's vulnerabilities. We're all imperfect, get things wrong, say hurtful things and occasionally mess up. That's being human. So, unless your boyfriend is a saint, I imagine he too gets it wrong but finds it difficult to apologise. That is a real failing and does not bode well for a long and harmonious existence together I'm afraid.
The problem you describe is actually surprisingly common. Feeling unable to apologise is sometimes the result of a real fear of being criticized. Children who have been berated and humiliated sometimes grow up being frightened of 'getting it wrong'. The slightest hint that it may not have been their finest hour results in real challenge because it brings back old but powerful memories of feeling not good enough. In that situation, apologising simply confirms that they weren't good enough and that reignites the fear and pain which makes it even more difficult to say sorry next time - and so it goes on.
There's a darker version of all this too. Unfortunately some people deliberately create arguments and then make it plain that their partner must be the one to say sorry. It's a form of emotional abuse and leaves the person saying sorry confused, resentful and sometimes worried that they seem to be the 'problem' in the relationship because they keep making mistakes for which they're expected to apologise. The lack of an immediate apology is often met with stonewalling or detaching until an abject apology has been received.
From what you say, you've fallen into the habit of being the person to reach out and make everything OK. It's really healthy that you now question this because quite frankly, five years is too long to be taking all the blame. The options now would seem to be that you stay and hope things improve (unlikely), tell him if you haven't already, that he needs to take his share of the blame when you argue and if things don't change you're moving on (potentially could help him see your point of view and make those changes) or to simply end the relationship (why put up with this any longer).
I think you're now half way out of this relationship. Maybe now is the time to complete that journey.
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Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
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