People embark on long distance relationships for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes one of you needs to move for a better job, or it might be a matter of necessity because one of you needs to look after a relative. Often long distance relationships start because you already lived in different places when you met; you might have met whilst travelling. Whatever the reason for living apart, it’s no secret that long distance relationships can come with difficulties. What’s less understood are the ways in which these difficulties can affect your relationship.
What kind of problems might arise in a long distance relationship?
In any relationship having the chance to spend quality time together helps build your connection. This can mean planning nice things to do together in the future, like days out or date nights, but it can also be the little things that you might take for granted: a cup of tea in the morning or a shared joke with friends.
Without getting to experience these things regularly it can be easy to begin to feel disconnected as a couple. Relationships aren’t always self-sustaining – they need nourishment to stay strong. These little interactions – although we may not always realise it at the time – give our relationships this nourishment, and make them more resilient to inevitable challenges. Without the chance to regularly check in with our partner we can begin to feel less close to them.
This sense of disconnection can also create resentment. If one of you is staying away from home, you may begin to feel like a stranger in your own home – worried about all the things you’re missing while you’re away. While whoever stays at home can feel jealous of their partner – who they may feel has left the family behind to do their own thing.
Having so little time to spend together can also make things difficult when you are re-united. You might feel like you need to pack everything into the weekend because you haven’t seen each other during the week. You may make lots of plans – trying to fit in a day out, a romantic evening, and a nice family dinner to make up for lost time. There’s also a pressure to be truly ‘on form’ – ready to be the best you can be in the short time you have.
But this can create massive disappointment when the time you have together just doesn’t quite pan out this way. Sometimes, one person just isn’t in the right mood on the weekend itself, or the plans you do make fall through. Sometimes, there’s housework to do – and no time for other stuff.
How do you make a long distance relationship work?
The honest answer is that, in some cases, it may not. Some couples find the challenges presented by being in a long-distance relationship are too great – and that if they’re to survive, they need to think of a different way forward. However, this isn’t always the case. Some couples do manage to sustain their connection – but it might take a bit of extra work.
That said, there is some creative and fun stuff that can help:
- Communicate creatively; send audio or video clips, pictures or links to things that you think your partner would like.
- Do things online; such as watching a film together, shop together, or find an online club you both like.
- Get to know each other's schedule so that you know when the meaningful stuff is coming up for your partner and check in with them then.
- Keep sexy! Staying with the teasing and sexting can keep the sexual anticipation alive, and that produces oodles of dopamine even when you’re not together.
- Know your partner’s interests so that you can send articles or things that keep you connected. Recommend things that you can talk about.
- Money might be tight but sending the occasional tiny gift can mean such a lot as your partner knows that you are bearing them in mind.
- Watch your ‘projections’. We all have the ‘gift’ of mind-reading when we assume we know what the other is thinking or doing. Because of what’s going on for us we can project that thinking on to our partner, or their actions or motives. Check it out with them. Don’t catastrophise or idealise your partner or their actions. Nobody can really mind read …
- Have a chat about possibilities and expectations. You might have expectations about things that your partner doesn’t around how often you communicate. You might want to explore alternative models of relationships such as polyamory whilst you are apart.
- Be honest; if you’re struggling with this arrangement allow them to support you and vice-versa.
- Make plans. Whether it’s to meet physically or other plans, this offers you both optimism and keeps you bonded.
- KEEP SAFE. If you’ve met online and never in person, the potential for you knowing what is really going on in a person’s life is hugely diminished. You just don’t know what you don’t know. The temptation to want ‘to believe’ is alive in all of us. A healthy scepticism can keep you safe without blinding you to opportunity.
It’s important you feel you can be open with each other about this so resentment doesn’t begin to grow. It’s not uncommon for one partner to find things harder than the other (sometimes the one who suggested situation in the first place), but feel unable to talk about this because the other person seems OK. It’s crucial you feel you’re on the same team: not dealing with things as two separate individuals.
And when you’re back together, try to accept not every weekend is going to be perfect. There needs to be space for times when one or both of you is feeling a bit deflated, or things don’t quite go to plan. Putting too much pressure on things inevitably leads to feeling let down – and yes, this definitely applies to the bedroom too – so give yourself some leeway. Sometimes, a movie night in is as good as a romantic meal out.
What if it’s too hard?
Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone. Although it can be painful to accept, sometimes, it may come down to choosing what’s more important: the reason you’re living apart or the relationship itself?
This might come about because you’re both finding things too hard – or because one of you is. Both are equally valid. That doesn’t mean you can’t find a compromise. Couples therapy can help you get through these difficult conversations and give you both space to be heard.
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