If you think your child might be self-harming it can be really frightening. Research estimates that about one in 10 teenagers has self-harmed, but because it’s a secret activity it can be difficult to confront.
Self-harm is when someone hurts or injures themselves deliberately. The most common methods of self-harm include cutting, burning, and hair pulling. Some people cause themselves physical pain in order to cope with emotional pain; it’s a coping strategy.
Understanding self-harm
Self-harm is primarily a way to cope with feelings that are so distressing that no alternatives are thought to be helpful.
Young people say that self-harm works for them in the following ways:
Comfort
Self-harm may be experienced as soothing and comforting by some young people; this may come about from the release of tension, but also by providing an opportunity to seek care and nurture from others. This is particularly important for children/young people with poor self-regulation skills.
Communication
Self-harm is primarily a means of regulating feelings rather than gaining a response from others; however, self-injury may also be a means of communicating distress without using words.
Control
Some children/young people explain that they feel the need for control in their lives (which is often characterised by a sense of lack of control). Self-harm can be seen in terms of gaining control – by controlling injuries to their own body. Determining the nature, site, timing, and severity of harm to the body is a way of staking claim to one’s own body.
Distraction
Self-harm can provide a distraction from the internal emotional pain, which may feel unbearable.
Feeling alive or real
Sometimes children/young people’s real-life experiences leave them feeling numb or unreal. Hurting one’s body may be experienced as a way of breaking through these feelings, and experiencing something that makes them feel alive and real again.
Relief of feelings
By hurting themselves, children/young people report they are able to release feelings that feel unbearable when held inside.
Self-punishing
Some children/young people carry feelings of shame, low self-esteem, and self-blame – when these feelings become hard to bear some young people harm themselves as a way of punishing themselves. This process may operate unconsciously.
Self-harm can be a risk factor for suicide. However, it is important to stress that most of those who engage in self-harm will not attempt suicide. Conversations which are supportive and empathetic are essential to help children and young people and their parents/carers understand the reasons for self-harm and ways it can be managed.
What you can do
It can be really hard to cope if you find out your child is hurting themselves – it is completely normal and not surprising for you to feel angry, frightened, guilty, or helpless. Try to be calm and caring so that your child knows you can manage their distress.
Here are some other ways you can help:
- Notice when they seem upset, withdrawn, or irritable
- Notice if they refuse to wear short sleeves or change into sportswear
- Encourage them to talk about what’s upsetting them
- Be non-judgemental, understanding, and tolerant
- Listen to and try to accept the idea of self-harm as helpful
- Try not to tell them to stop – this is likely to make them panic
- Offer practical help with taking care of wounds
- Look at the many resources at Self Harm UK
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