Sandwich caring, where you care for both your children and a parent at the same time, is a situation that many people find themselves in but have not usually planned for.
It can take us completely by surprise, and usually comes after an unexpected illness or injury, like a stroke or a fall. The hope that our parents won't suffer in this way stops us from preparing for or even thinking about this kind of situation. And that means when it does happen, it puts all kinds of new demands on your relationships.
Taking on new caring duties
Caring duties can vary widely. Depending on how well your parent can look after themselves, you might find yourself doing anything from cooking food to helping them use the toilet. Whatever your new responsibilities, being a carer is exhausting. It usually means spending a big chunk of your time looking after someone else, and might force you to make sacrifices in other areas of your life.
Taking on new caring duties
Caring duties can vary widely. The events that lead to the situation will affect the impact on you, it may be that one parent is suddenly alone and therefore needs practical and emotional support, it may be that they need more help to actually manage simple everyday tasks like cooking or their needs could be that they cannot do anything for themsleves. Whatever your new responsibilities, being a carer is exhausting. It usually means spending a big chunk of your time looking after someone else, and might force you to make sacrifices in other areas of your life.
Preparing for caring
If you or your partner(s) are considering caring for your parents in your home, it's really important to talk together, in detail, about what this will mean for you, your relationship, and your family. It can be easy to assume that a lot of the detail will become clear once you get started, but many people are surprised by the extent of care that's required and the demands on time that it takes. Odds are that once you've started, you won't have the energy to talk it through properly.
If they will continue to live independently but you will need to visit on a regular basis, this too will have an impact on your own life and your availability to your own immediate family, work, and your own social life.
So what, specifically, should you plan for before you being? Things like timetabling, dietary requirements, emergency contact arrangements, who'll be doing which duties (including the intimate ones), and what kind of support you can get from other family members. Understanding these points will give you a good picture of how everything will work in practice.
When it comes to having the conversation, try and go about it in a neutral and practical way. This chat is about figuring out what the experience is going to be like for everyone. Be honest, and if there are times when different opinions, ideas, or expectations are aired, then try to see if there's a way to compromise or meet in the middle. That being said, try to be realistic about what you can handle. Caring is often a big and long term commitment, so try not agree to something you can't sustain.
Caring for parents can be stressful
Caring for children is hard enough, but adding a new dependent family member in the house really ramps up the pressure. Needing to look after you parent or in-law means you'll have less time and energy to devote to your relationship.
Stress can cause you to become snappier or more argument prone. And, because your parent will now be living under your roof, you may find yourself with less privacy for sex and intimacy.
Again, this is where talking comes in. It's really important to talk about ways to make sure your relationship remains a priority in your lives. This might mean scheduling in regular time to spend together, or developing strategies to help avoid conflicts spinning out of control. It will almost certainly mean being understanding and realistic about how difficult this might be, and giving everyone a bit of leeway when it comes to being irritable or argumentative. As difficult as it may be to maintain, your relationship is more important now than ever. As carers, you're going to need support -- so making sure you're on the same team will benefit everyone.
Helping kids to understand
As much of an adjustment as caring for a parent will be for you, it's likely to be an even bigger one for your kids. Teenagers in particular can find it awkward having to adjust to the presence of a dependent grandparent.
Things like sharing the bathroom, living room, or TV, can lead to conflicts. Often it's harder for children and young people to understand the necessity of the situation the way you do. On top of that, they're even less likely to have seen this situation coming, and might feel like it has been imposed upon them without consultation. It can also be difficult for children and young people to share your attention.
Once again, it's best to talk about these things before they turn into problems. That means including your kids in some of the conversations about what to expect and how things will work. As the adults who have made the decisions, it can be tempting to try and assert control, but this is a change that's going to affect everyone, so everyone should have their say.
And this isn't a one-off conversation, it's one you should try and keep going as the caring begins. As anyone who has ever lived in a share house will know, there's nothing worse than letting annoyances fester and stay hidden. Be open and honest with each other: even if it's awkward.
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