When you find out your partner has had an affair, it can feel like the end of the relationship, and sometimes your world and your family too. You’re likely to be shocked, angry and hurt. All your family and friends may take your side against your partner and tell you to leave, because they want to protect you from someone who has hurt you. Others may urge you to work at it.
But what if you still love them and can’t imagine being with anyone else? What if you have children and a house and joint assets together? What will you be leaving behind if you walk away? You might feel ashamed, embarrassed or even stupid to consider staying with a person who has betrayed you in such a terrible way, but does an affair really have to be the end? You may believe that an affair is an invitation to look at the affair in the greater context of your relationship.
We surveyed the general public to see if they thought a relationship could survive an affair. Only 33% said yes. But when the same question was posed to Relate counsellors, the numbers are very different. 94% said they thought a relationship could survive and potentially even thrive after someone has cheated.
What causes affairs?
Often times there's something much deeper and more pervasive running through the relationship - and the affair is a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem itself. Even if you do leave, one risk is that you may end up repeating the same relational patterns with someone else and find yourself in the same situation again.
Sometimes an affair can serve as a wake up call and an opportunity to look at what’s been going wrong. If you've both been avoiding talking about issues or have been drifting apart over time it can force you to re-evaluate the relationship and any problems with it.
Maybe there were arguments that created a sense of disconnection and lack of intimacy. Maybe you had both become too busy with the kids or work to pay proper attention to each other. Maybe things had just become monotonous and routine.
Sometimes a pattern of repeated affairs needs a particular lens to look through why this pattern is maintained and tolerated which brings it’s own curiosity.
Whatever the reason, something wasn’t working prior to the affair. So yes, the relationship as you knew it had to end - but that doesn't necessarily mean leaving your partner. It can mean leaving behind what wasn’t working and accepting the possibility of creating something new and better.
What next?
With the right support, it is possible to make it past an affair. We see people in counselling begin to heal and recover - and find ways to really grow and learn together.
It will take some hard work, commitment, and generosity from both of you to really look at what’s been going wrong, but the pain caused and suffered by an affair - on both sides usually - is a huge motivation to never get back to this place again.
How we can help
If you’re looking for support with your relationships, we can help. We offer a range of ways to speak with a trained relationship expert including ongoing counselling, 30 minute web and phone chats, and one session therapy.
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Cheating recovery toolkit
A workbook designed to help process emotions, understand infidelity, and decide if you want to try and work on your relationship after the discovery of infidelity.