Self-esteem can sometimes feel like one of those words that, while important, is bandied around a lot, and can end up losing a bit of its meaning. But self-esteem is actually a really significant thing to get your head around. Having good self-esteem means you have a healthy and balanced belief in yourself - that actually, you’re ok.
That’s pretty much it - but it’s especially important when you’re thinking about getting together with someone, as it’s critical to our mental health and helps us build healthy couple relationships.
Put like that, of course, it sounds simple. But maintaining good self-esteem can be a tricky thing. It's all too easy to be hard on yourself - even about little things. How often do you scold yourself mentally after getting something wrong: talking to yourself in a way you wouldn’t ever talk to anyone else?
Where does self-esteem come from?
Like much of our adult thoughts and behaviours, how we feel about ourselves mostly comes from how we were taught to feel about ourselves growing up.
If you grew up without much encouragement, or you weren't praised when you got things right, you might come to share this idea of yourself - that you're not all that great, and you're not deserving or worthy.
It can be hard to know if you’ve got low self-esteem - often, it’s a feeling that’s been around so long that it can feel like it’s just how you see the world.
Living without self-esteem
Living like this can be really tough and emotionally painful. It can make you feel small, worthless and low. Even beyond that, it can mean you aren’t able to make decisions that might benefit you in the long run. It can mean you don’t put yourself forward when opportunities arise, and it can mean you assume you aren’t going to be able to make new friends or meet someone special, so you don’t bother trying.
And it can also mean you seek validation in other ways. While social media can be great, it can also be tempting to try to present a certain image to the world, and get caught up chasing the feeling you get when someone likes or shares what you’ve posted. If you’re not careful it can become a bit addictive - and start to get in the way of making real connections with other people.
Likewise, it can make you vulnerable to people pressuring you into things. If you have low self-esteem, you may feel less able to stand up for yourself or say no to things you aren’t comfortable with. For example, recent research* has found that 40% of young women have been pressured into sending naked photos of themselves - with two-thirds regretting it afterwards.
Working on your self-esteem
So how do you work on ‘developing good self-esteem?’ Can you? Really? Is it even possible?
The short answer is… yes. Well, this would be a pretty lame blog if it wasn’t!
Firstly: work on your relationships with other people. If you’ve got people around you that care about you, you’re going to feel supported. And if you feel that other people want to support you, you’re more likely to want to support yourself.
That can just mean spending more time with your friends and making an effort to be social, but it can also mean trying to open up a bit more with people you trust and letting them know how you’re really feeling. Obviously, that can be scary and it's easier said than done, but letting people in a bit (how’s that for another well-meaning sounding phrase?) can really help make relationships feel strong - and that’s going to help you feel stronger too.
When you open up to people, they are more likely to open up to you. You'll often find that the perfect image they may be presenting is also masking self-doubt at times. But make sure the people you spend time with are radiators not fridges; people that give warmth and don't take it away from you.
Next up, try to change how you talk to yourself. Instead of thinking ‘I’m such a loser’ when you don’t totally nail something, try to be kind to yourself: ‘Hey, I screwed up, but nobody’s perfect’. It sounds simple - and maybe even a little stupid - but it can make a real difference.
Spend time thinking about the things you have achieved in your life, and the strengths and qualities that you have as a person. Ask your best friend to help you with this – they will undoubtedly see more positives than you will!
And finally, if you feel you might need a bit of extra help, there’s nothing wrong with getting a bit of counselling. Everyone’s doing it these days anyway! Counselling is the new vlogging! Except instead of filming it, you just say it to one person. Simpler, surely?
*Polling research published by Status, July 2018.
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