Whether you’ve been living together for years, or the relationship still feels new, getting married often feels like the next step. But despite all the excitement, stress and enjoyment that planning a wedding can bring, sometimes darker thoughts creep in along the lines of “is this actually what I want” or ,”we’re happy enough – why are we bothering” and so on. Whatever you might be thinking, it’s reassuring to know that most people have a few doubts and sometimes some really big misgivings. These often increase as the planning advances....
Evaluate any doubts
For a start, it's always a good idea to take a step back and give yourself some breathing space. Maybe it really is just down to the stress of it all.
But maybe you’re actually worrying that you and your partner are rushing into something you don’t feel ready to commit to just yet (and maybe not at all). Perhaps there are parts of your relationship that don’t work so well - and you think that could become more of a problem further down the line. Maybe the rows feel exhausting and things just don’t get resolved or you think that getting married will ‘sort out’ whatever doesn’t work currently or feel right. The fact is that purely by getting married alone, problems that were there before aren't going to magically disappear. So, if you’re having doubts, now’s the time to reflect on what's going on.
Can your partner meet your needs long term?
We talk a lot, everywhere, about ‘The One’. This very special person will ‘get you’ and be able to meet all your emotional, sexual and wellbeing needs. The problem here of course is that they may well be hoping you will provide those things to them so the first art of any serious relationship, married or otherwise, is to recognize that you can’t have everything you need and want all of the time. Neither can your partner. Deep down, we all know that, but it’s surprising how often compromise seems really tricky. So, if your doubts about getting married are around not being sure they can meet your needs long term, it might be useful to reflect on whether they might be feeling the same about you. If that's the case, then maybe now’s a good time to really share those concerns with each other and see where that conversation takes you.
Any marriage will have problems. That’s because we’re all human and that, combined with the extensive range of curved balls life throws in for good measure sometimes means that we make mistakes, say and do things that are less than thoughtful or worse. The key thing though if you’re having doubts about marrying is to recognise that you each have vulnerabilities, will get it wrong more than once and have times where you really do wonder why you got married in the first place. That’s normal. The main thing is to maybe recognise that getting married is another stage in the relationship together that will hopefully bring even deeper feelings of care, love and commitment, despite the times when you feel like giving up.
Doubts can be useful
So, if you’re having those doubts maybe now is the time to talk together about the future. This doesn’t mean trying to plan out the next twenty years in detail but just opening the conversation may dissolve your doubts or possibly increase them and if that’s the case, better to know now than later.
One final point as well – many people worry that by having conversations like this they’ll somehow be seen as unromantic or picking fights or even that they don’t really love their partner. In fact, the opposite is true. Taking the time together to mull over anything that's worrying you shows how much you care and want the best for each other and any marriage. More marriages fail because people can’t find the words to express how they feel so getting some practice in before the big day is only likely to stand you both in good stead for the future.
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