ask ammanda
Should I leave my abusive relationship?
I was with my partner for around 9 months and during this time a lot of things happened. To begin with, the relationship did not start off in the best of ways as he had a family, not my finest hour. For months prior, he had flirted with me at work and I told him to stop. I did find him attractive but nothing happened until we had a work night out where we kissed. It kind of went from there...
To begin with, things weren’t easy. I always told him it was his choice as he had more to lose. His girlfriend at the time found out at the beginning and she made it hard, which is completely understandable. During the first 3 months, I received abusive messages from her. He didn’t trust me because he’d listened to her and she’d call me an English slag (they’re Italian). He says I lied to him on our first date because he asked me if I was talking to anyone. I wasn’t! I had spoken to a lad I’d told I didn’t want to see in July that same day but I told him about me going on a date and that I wanted to see how it would go with him. He messaged me again when I got home and told him the exact same thing and deleted his number. I have never spoken to him since!
I told my new potential man this a couple days later and he was furious. But yet he has slept with his ‘ex’ twice whilst telling me, I was the one he wanted.
A lot has happened between us and I have told him on numerous occasions that I don’t want to be with him. I’ve blocked him. He’s emailed me. Threatened to come to my house because he knows I’ll unblock him. He came to my workplace at a new job. Met a girl there and dated her but still tried to be with me. He’s told me I am horrible and I have a bad attitude but I don’t think he realises the stuff he has done even at the beginning, how it’s affected me. Now he wants me to try again and I don’t think I can. I still have feelings for him but I feel trapped and that I can’t get away. I have told him I’d try but that’s because I feel guilty. I love him. But I don’t think it’s enough anymore.
Here are some examples of stuff he has done...
1. Tried to catch me out my pretending to be someone else messaging me
2. Made a fake snapchat profile to see if I’d accept it
3. Compared me to his ex
4. Asked to live together after 3 months. I told him I was worried as I lived at home and never done it before. But said yes but wanted to wait till we had been on holiday. I aired my concerns and we had a huge argument.
5. During the above argument, he told me he had cheated on me, called me a fat ugly pig, with a double chin.
6. He’s looked through my phone and seen I had an archived chat from before I met him (I didn’t know was there, I had even got a new phone) he rang the person to speak to them and accused me of keeping the number in case I wanted to speak to them. Bearing in mind, the chat saved was nearly a year old.
7. During arguments, he has not let me leave the flat. He has locked the door and taken the keys. Which has resulted in me lashing out (behaviour that I am not proud of).
8. He has told me on numerous other occasions he cheated on me then said it was for a reaction.
9. He has constantly questioned my lve for him and if I am loyal
10. I don’t think he trusts me because of what happened on our first date.
11. I went on holiday with my friends. A trip that was booked before I got with him, I said I didn’t want to go and he didn’t want me to go. I was an idiot and didn’t just explain to my friends because I was scared they’d fall out with me. He ended up going to Turkey the same week I did and he literally just ruined it.
12. I told him I wasn’t doing it anymore and if we were meant to be, it should happen naturally. I wasn’t forcing anything. If he met someone then that was how it was supposed to be. He asked a girl out the next day. I had to figure it out for myself and neither of them told me and I worked with them both.
13. In an argument, he has changed his profile picture to a naked picture of me on WhatsApp. When I went mad and said it had upset me, he told me had blocked everyone so they couldn’t see it!
I just need some advice on what to do. I know I haven’t dealt with things very well and I feel guilty because he tells me I am the love of his life. But we have been broken up now for longer than we were actually together. I’ve tried numerous times to make it work but he thinks I haven’t and now, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am making him happy but not myself. But even at times because of everything, I don’t even think I make him happy. He tells me I have a bad attitude etc. I tell him, I don’t want to be with him and then we end up just in this constant cycle where we argue. Then he’ll be nice and then say please try and because I’ve had to be a bitch, I say yes. I feel guilty and horrible most of the time and I’m struggling.
Do I just need to be harsh and cut ties?
Yes.
This man may well tell you you’re the love of his life but the behaviours you describe are those of a controlling and abusive partner and have nothing to do with a respectful, caring or equal relationship.
Everyone has problems in relationships sometimes. We’re human, make mistakes and don’t always learn from them as quickly as we might. But in this situation it sounds like you’re on the end of a repeated pattern of insults and actions designed to confuse you and at times to doubt yourself and your sanity. What is particularly worrying is that you keep trying to end this relationship but, as is sometimes the case, end up re-engaging with it only to then be on the receiving end of more of the same.
As is often the case, abusive partners have a knack of ensuring that it’s you who is the cause of any problems. After a while, you might well come to believe they’re right. That sort of experience eats into self-esteem and confidence which then in turn further degrades any ability to end the relationship once and for all and so it all goes on....
Trying to control what you do and who you see are common methods of putting a partner down. From what you say, right from the get go, there have been elements of this and the reality check here is that unfortunately, the behaviours you describe are likely to get worse.
In situations like this, there’s often ‘love and attention’ one minute followed by rejection, humiliation and confusion about his intentions towards you. You’re always on the back foot thinking that maybe you’ve misread or misunderstood things and that really it’s not too bad or will come right in the end. This can make it difficult to see things for what they are. The old adage of ‘hope over experience’ is a useful one. Sometimes hoping things will change can keep us going. The bad news is that by the time hope has run out, people on the receiving end of these behaviours are so run down and lacking in any self confidence that actually leaving an abusive relationship feels impossible.
I think you do know what to do here. Let go of the guilt – it’s one of the hooks keeping you stuck and follow through on that interim resolve to end this relationship for good. Don’t look back and if you need professional support to talk through where you are, how you feel and what you most want to do then please access one of the many local or national domestic abuse agencies. You’re worth more than all this. A little more self-belief will help you achieve it.
Do you have a question to ask Ammanda?
Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
If you have a relationship worry you would like some help with send a message to Ammanda.
*We're not able to reply individually to every email we receive, please see our Talk to someone pages for further support.
Related content
Emotional abuse
Most people know what physical abuse is, but when it comes to emotional abuse, people tend to think there’s much more of a ‘grey area’.
Keeping children safe in violent relationships
If there's any kind of abuse or violence in your relationship then your children may be at high risk from being hurt physically, either directly or from becoming caught in "the crossfire". Of
