Should I cut ties with my family?

Stop feeling guilty. Easy to say and harder to do, I know, but it’s the guilt that’s weighing you down and making it difficult to really understand what may be going on here...

Family relationships like this are all too common. Many people reading this will recognise the pain of being found useful for some things by family members but rejected by them when it comes to having their own needs met. This is often the result of old family ‘scripts’ that get re-run over and over again and become the ‘just how things are' in our family, with no one feeling able or willing to try new conversations. And that’s understandable, isn’t it, because when things hurt, we usually don’t want to make them any worse so staying with ‘what we usually do’ often feels the safest option for very good reasons, even when the emotional trauma is overwhelming.  

On top of all this, you've had such a difficult time yourself and I can completely understand the exhaustion you feel about believing you need to provide emotional support to for your mum and sister when finding those reserves for yourself very difficult. So, I think you need to focus on yourself.

There is only so much any of us can do with intractable family issues. They often traverse generations with individual family members holding on to these unhelpful ‘scripts’ that inform everything they do with each other. There are all sorts of reasons why this happens and I couldn’t possibly say more about your particular family circumstances without having a great deal more insight into all sorts of things.

Suffice to say though that you need to make your position clear. I don’t think that means telling them you intend to cut ties. Instead it means that you tell them how you feel and that for now, you have to prioritise your own emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. You could explain that doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them but it does mean that you’re just not going to be so available and they might like to consider asking other family members or friends for the support they so desperately want. 

The thing here is that we all bring forward things from our past but we can decide not to be defined by them. It’s OK to break out and own your own needs. What often happens is that those people to whom you’re saying all this to find it incomprehensible and sometimes plain outrageous that the person they’ve experienced as occupying a particular ‘role’ in the family is choosing a different role from now on. After all, change can be painful but it sounds to me as if you know what you want to do but you fear the consequences. So, now is the time to take your courage in both hands and apply liberally to help you get what you now most need and want. 

I’d say too that family dynamics like you describe are often very tight knit and make it difficult to form close friendships and other valuable connections. I really hope that now, you’re making the most of every opportunity to reach out to people who can and want to help you manage these very difficult situations and I wish you all the best for the future.