When you commit to a partner, it's not only them you're choosing, but often their family too. Navigating the tricky territory of ‘in-law' relationships can be a daunting task. In this article, we'll unravel the complexities, offer solutions, and help you build healthier, happier connections.
The family we grow up in have very different ways of doing things, from small things like the washing up, to big things like raising children. We unconsciously take on the way our parents did things, and assume other people do things in exactly the same way. It's important to try to understand how your partner has been influenced by their family and start talking about it early in your relationship. That's because it's differences in these assumptions that can so often lead to conflict.
Understanding the impact of ‘in-law' relationships
Tension with your partner’s family can cause strain on your relationship in several ways. It’s not unusual for someone to feel torn between their partner and their family. This tension can often lead to feelings of guilt, anger, and resentment. Those disagreements can lead one partner to feel the other isn’t adequately supportive or defensive. And things get more important if there are children involved. Different family values and beliefs can stir up conflict around the upbringing of children.
Talking to your partner
Conversations about difficult in-law relationships can be sensitive. But there are a few ways you can approach the conversation to make it easier for everyone.
Choose the right time and place
Select a calm, quiet place where you both feel comfortable and relaxed, make sure you’ve got enough time to discuss the issues without being rushed or interrupted.
Focus on your feelings
Try and talk about how you feel using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying “your mother is always criticizing me,” you could say something like “I feel hurt and undervalued when your mother criticizes me.” This focuses the conversation on your emotions and experiences rather than assigning blame. Provide specific instances where you felt uncomfortable or upset, instead of making generalised statement.
Ask for support
Tell your partner clearly what kind of support you’re looking for. Be clear as to whether you’re seeking advice, or asking them to mediate or have a chat with their family on your behalf. Remember, the goal isn’t to drive a wedge between your partner and their family, but to find a way for you to feel more comfortable and respected within the family dynamic.
Ways to improve your relationship with your partner’s family
Improving relationships with your partner’s family might be challenging, but it’s definitely doable. Here are a few strategies that could help you build a better relationship.
Keep communication open
It’s important to communicate openly and respectfully with your partner’s family. Share a bit about your own background and values, and also listen to them. This two-way exchange can help build mutual understanding and respect.
Set boundaries
Establish boundaries with your partner’s family. This could relate to your personal life, your time, or your space. Make sure these boundaries are clear and are communicated respectfully to avoid any misunderstandings.
Be patient and consistent
Improving relationships takes time and consistent effort. Be patient, and show your commitment to a better relationship with your actions. Over time, your consistent behaviour can help improve the overall dynamic.
Find common ground
Look for shared interests, like hobbies, activities, or shared values. Engaging in activities related to these interests together can help strengthen your relationship.
How we can help
If you’re looking for support with your relationships, we can help. We offer a range of ways to speak with a trained relationship expert including ongoing counselling, 30 minute web and phone chats, and one session therapy.
Find out which service is right for you
How you can help
Have you found this advice helpful? Make a donation to help us reach more people and continue supporting the nation’s relationships:
Can't afford to donate? We understand. Instead, we ask that you leave us a 5 star review on Trustpilot.
related content
We can Relate to parents and co-parents
Relate's free AI powered tools are here to help you handle problems you might be facing with your partner or co-parent.