My relationships never last longer than a year

Probably neither. But like most of us, you’re starting to count the years. What may have seemed OK when you were fresh out of university isn’t working for you anymore and it looks like you’re trying to figure out how you might manage relationships differently.

First off, let’s think about the ones you’ve had.  Maybe they were fun and passionate. Maybe there was always an orderly queue of people so the possibility of moving between relationships and perhaps even running more than one at a time seemed not only possible but inviting. Maybe the grass was always greener?

Although you don’t say exactly what you’re looking for, I’m making an assumption that you might now be seeking a different kind of connection. But I’m wondering if you’re still approaching relationships in the way you might have done when you were younger?

Often how we think about relationships as adults is influenced by what we learnt about being in one from our parents or caregivers as we grew up. For some people, this meant seeing a parent in a single ongoing relationship and for others it meant getting used to seeing a parent in new and different relationships.

Sometimes we may have experienced a parent as not being really ‘there’ for us, so in adult relationships we might be overly reliant on a partner to provide all our emotional needs. This can become a major issue when meeting these needs starts to feel overwhelming for a partner. Similarly, based on childhood experiences, some people find getting close to a partner quite scary, even when they are being offered love and companionship.

When making and keeping a relationship seems to be an ongoing problem, it can be helpful to explore this kind of thing in counselling. The counsellor isn’t going to give you ‘tips’ on how to land the kind of relationship you want, but is instead likely to help you think about what relationships mean to you and how you can go forward.

Of course, none of the above might be relevant to you. Sometimes, the upheaval and/or excitement of moving away from home to uni, getting a job (or not) and moving through our twenties (which is a time of significant change for many people) all simply means there’s not much time to focus on in thinking about the sort of relationship you would like to have at this stage in your life.

That said, there are a few things you may find it useful to think about. Firstly, I’m wondering if you may have drenched yourself in 'problem speak': with the emphasis being on what you’re doing ‘wrong’, rather than that of building on and learning from previous experiences. Going forward, you may need to ask yourself some challenging questions. What is it that bores you about your partners? Is it really them or are you so stressed with your job or other issues that paying the slightest attention to a partner feels exhausting - so you’re not allowing time to get to know them? 

Secondly, are you waiting for your partner to show an interest before you can respond?  It’s amazing, but so many relationships founder on this point, where each person is waiting for the other to show some commitment, interest or companionship. Are you always waiting for your turn to speak, rather than encouraging your partner to elaborate on what they’ve just been saying?

Thirdly, I’m wondering if you meet people with the express intention of forming a ‘couple’ relationship or if you’re comfortable with just making friends and seeing how things develop. Sometimes, the pressure we put on ourselves to get intimate quickly can be at the expense simply getting to know someone.

And fourthly (and perhaps most importantly), are you expecting that the first excitements will last indefinitely? Getting to know someone really well includes getting to know all the less inspiring bits too. Sometimes we might mistake this for being boring but, if you think about it, we’re all a mix of good, bad and indifferent, so it makes sense to work on understanding and accepting the whole person and expecting something similar in return.

Although you may not see it quite like this, I actually think you’re already several steps ahead. I often work with clients who find it difficult to make relationships in the first place. This does not seem to be a problem for you and you’ve been able to identify that you now want something different for yourself – so you’re half way to making any necessary changes.