When a relationship ends sometimes both of you prefer not to stay in touch. However, when things are more amicable you might decide to stay in contact or even remain good friends, while there’s nothing wrong with this, it can be a cause for concern for any new partners. This might become more of a contentious issue if your partner feels this continued contact has an inappropriate role in your life.
Often the worry is that their new partner still isn’t over their ex and is staying in touch as a way of keeping their options open. They may have concerns over how the previous relationship ended – whether it was a definite ending or something more ambiguous. Or sometimes the contact can just make them feel generally insecure about their role in this person’s life, as if there’s something their ex-partner can provide that they can’t.
Getting a better understanding
However you feel about your partner’s relationship with their ex, the best way to avoid tension is to talk about it.
If you’ve got worries, this will give you a chance to explore them openly. And if their relationship with their ex isn’t appropriate, it’s important you discuss this together so you can figure out what you’d like to do next.
Of course, this kind of conversation can be very tricky, so you might like to think about the following:
Go in with an open mind
It’s important your partner feels like you haven’t already made up your mind before you start talking. Instead, try to make it clear you simply want to discuss something that sometimes causes you concern.
Don’t talk when you’re already emotional
It’s not a good idea to bring up this kind of topic when you’re already having an argument. This is likely to make your partner feel defensive. Instead, talk when you’re both already feeling positive about your relationship. You might to even start the conversation by saying something along these lines, such as: ‘I’ve been really enjoying how well we’ve been getting on recently. I was hoping we could talk about something that’s been on my mind.’
Give it space and time
You might like to pick a neutral space like the kitchen or outside while on a walk. It’s also important you can talk distraction free, so try to find 30 minutes when you won’t be interrupted.
It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it
You may like to try using ‘I’ phrases instead of ‘you’ phrases. That way, you’re taking responsibility for your emotions and not putting everything on your partner. It also means your partner will better understand what you’re going through. So: ‘I sometimes feel insecure when you talk to your ex. I was hoping we could talk about this’ rather than: ‘You’re always emailing her. I want you to stop’.
Not everyone does things the same way
It can be useful to remind yourself that, even if you don’t tend to stay in contact with ex-partners, lots of people do (and if they have children, this is important). Unless you have a specific reason not to, try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Think about your own motivations
Sometimes, our reactions to things are influenced by what’s happened previous relationships. Sometimes, we can carry around emotional baggage without realising it. It might be a good idea to think about whether any past experiences could be causing you to feel more insecure or jealous.
Hear what your partner has to say
Even if what they’re telling you is difficult or upsetting, try to hear them out. The only way to truly understand each other is to properly engage – not just trade criticisms (‘you always do this!’ ‘well, you always do this!’) or wait for your turn to speak.
Take into account any other factors
If you partner and their ex have children together, it’s important to remember that they’re still parents as well as ex partners. Being able to communicate openly and positive together is the most desirable outcome in this case.
It may not all go your way
Sometimes, the best result is a negotiated compromise. If you aren’t going to agree entirely, you may need to find a level that’s somewhere between the two of you.
Consider time-outs
If things get really fraught, time outs can be a really useful way of avoiding things spinning out of control.
How we can help
If you’re looking for support with your relationships, we can help. We offer a range of ways to speak with a trained relationship expert including ongoing counselling, 30 minute web and phone chats, and one session therapy.
Find out which service is right for you
How you can help
Have you found this advice helpful? Make a donation to help us reach more people and continue supporting the nation’s relationships:
Can't afford to donate? We understand. Instead, we ask that you leave us a 5 star review on Trustpilot.