I've been in a relationship for about 21 months now. I am 10 years older than him, so my kids are now adults and his are young. I get on with his kids. But he had 2 very nasty breakups (first partner cheated on him and second was 'evil') but I can't help think there is more to these break ups than what he's actually telling me...
The problem I seem to have is that I feel that I can't do anything without him criticising me. I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.
If we go out and I might look at another person. It might be a man and a woman together, just because my eyes wonder I am constantly asked 'Do you know him' or 'why are you looking at another man?' I feel I can't look around anymore.
If I look at my phone because I'm looking through some of the apps for something I'm interested in, or even messaging my daughter or son, he's constantly telling me 'You're always on your phone'
He's said its because he wants my full 100% attention and not for me to be looking at my phone all the time whilst we spend time together, which seems to be every minute when he is home. Just to point out, I'm hardly ever on my phone.
I can't do anything anymore on my own. I'm a very independent woman, I was cheated on by my ex husband, which was horrendous, so I understand to a point of his insecurities. But I have moved on with my life without my ex and I single handedly raised my 2 amazing kids all by myself as my ex was never around when we were married. I've also got my own successful business.
I can't talk to my friends about this as I don't want biased opinions.
Please can you give me some idea of what is going on? I have spoken and argued with him multiple times now to the point where I have had to turn my phone off (my work phone too) just to prove a point that I'm not on my phone ALL THE TIME!
I told him last night that we are over. He wont give up. I hate arguing as I can't ever get my words out.
I fear this is only going to get worse…
Despite what has happened to him in the past, he has no right to make these unreasonable demands on you. Much of what you describe sounds very controlling and the problem with that (if it wasn’t enough of a problem already) is these behaviours normally accumulate to the point where you won’t know who you are and what you want anymore.
It’s fair to say that we’re all to greater or lesser degrees affected by what’s happened in the past. Sometimes when bad stuff goes on in a relationship any of us might over react in a new one. We might say the wrong thing, throw some challenging behaviour at our partner or perhaps become very ‘unavailable’. They key to potentially improving things though is the ability to step back, reflect and realise that projecting all your fears and anxieties on to that new partner is never going to be a good move and as in this case, may become essentially abusive.
It sounds like your partner isn’t reflecting on his behaviour. Instead perhaps his anxieties impact on him to the extent that he only sees his needs to control and essentially dominate you as the only available action. Often when people have been betrayed or abandoned by another, the fear of someone causing them that degree of emotional pain becomes overwhelming to the extent it brings about what that person most fears, which is being left again.
Interestingly, although you’ve told him it’s over, you’re writing to me now and it feels like there’s perhaps part of you that could be tempted to return. I’m assuming that his ‘not giving up’ means that he wants the relationship but equally he can’t or won’t see how his behaviour affects you.
If that’s the case then a really good move at this point would be to see a counsellor to help you work through what’s happened so you can begin to find yourself again. Doing that often illuminates new choices. When you’ve been through a very difficult time, just having the time to focus on understanding what’s happened, its impact and what ‘good or ‘better’ might look like going forward is usually a positive.
My sense is that telling him it's over comes from a place of frustration rather than seeing these behaviours for what they really are and essentially you’d reengage with the relationship if you thought he’d just stop doing what he’s doing. If you are thinking along those lines then I’d encourage caution because your partner needs to access professional help to potentially work through these insecurities and recognize that behaving as he does towards you is wrong. You never know, perhaps he will decide to get that sort of help but until such time as he was able to evidence real change, perhaps the decision you describe in your last sentence is the right one for now.
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Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
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