My husband puts me down in front of my family and friends

Being publicly humiliated by the person who is supposed to love and support you is not OK. Of course we’re probably all guilty of saying something unkind or thoughtless to our partners in front of others. Likewise we can easily get into a debate about something and not realise that the way we are putting our argument across has become a touch bombastic and we need to dial it down. But in this case, your husband is clearly making an active choice. I say this because from what you tell me, he’s selective about when and where he behaves like this. The best case scenario here is that he’s confused about how a partner should behave towards their other half and needs some help to make changes. However, the worst case scenario is that he is deliberately domestically abusive towards you and if this is the case, you need some serious professional help to safeguard your own emotional and mental wellbeing. I’m sorry to say that what you describe certainly ticks the boxes for some forms of emotional abuse.

People do unacceptable things for all sorts of reasons. It may be that he feels undermined by you in front of your parents and friends. Perhaps he has some sort of early life script that tells him he has to always be the one ‘taking the lead’ in a relationship and his quibbling argumentative style is sadly his way of achieving that. Perhaps also he simply feels under some sort of pressure when he’s with your family and this leads to these unruly outbursts that leave you feeling disrespected and ashamed. But the important thing here is that none of these possible explanations can be used as an excuse. One or more may explain why he’s like this, but the fact remains his behaviour is not acceptable.

You suggest that you think he might be like this because of something you’re doing. 

If there’s something that he finds tricky about how you interact with him or maybe with something that you do, he has a responsibility as one half of this partnership to respectfully raise this with you. Then you can give it due consideration and work out if there is some way in which you interact together that needs changing. We all get it wrong sometimes and being part of a caring relationship means it’s  important to be open to what a partner is saying, but there’s a time and a place. Doing it publicly and in the manner you describe is very unlikely to get anyone the result they want.

You tell me that your husband is shy in public. This may be what underpins his outbursts. Perhaps he only feels confident is if he’s winning an argument or seen to have ‘status’. It’s a shame really because there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a shy person – indeed it’s often preferable to being with someone over confident who just loves the sound of their own voice. I suspect your husband probably does quite like the sound of his own voice because makes him feel more grown up than maybe he does deep down. So the first thing to bear in mind is that you can’t make him change. It’s not at all unusual in couple counselling for one partner to be saying that they can get their partner to make changes “with a little help from the therapist”. Sadly though this doesn’t work because this approach prevents the person who is behaving unhelpfully from taking responsibility for what they do and making the necessary changes.

From what you tell me, these behaviours have been going on for a long time. You’ve tried your best to get to him to hear you but to no avail. So it’s probably best not to keep repeating an old pattern of communication because it’s not working. All this storming off he does is really akin to a teenager being told to behave – I suspect he feels like a child when you do this and so how and what you tell him needs to be clear and have more meaning for him. I’d suggest you explain that you are no longer prepared to be treated like this in public and that his continued disrespectful attitude is now jeopardising your marriage and you will have to consider leaving the relationship if it doesn’t change. From what you say, I don’t think you’ve been quite as clear as this before. Don’t blame or shame him  - just be absolutely crystal clear that his rudeness and humiliating behaviours towards you must stop or you will seek to end the marriage. This might seem really daunting but you are describing a systematic set of behaviours that he can quite clearly control when he wants to and these behaviours will continue to degrade and distress you. So they have to stop – one way or another. What quite often happens in situations like this is that the endless excuses we might make for a partner who behaves like this means that we don’t pay sufficient attention to the mental and emotional damage they cause. Long term, it erodes who we are and can significantly impact on our wellbeing. You don’t mention any children, but having kids witness a parent being treated like this is really serious - it causes them pain, distress and confusion and is really bad role modelling.

Your husband may be taking advantage of your fear of conflict and you have every right to feel desperate. I think he simply can’t or won’t hear what’s wrong. I strongly suggest that before you make any moves though that you get some help for yourself. Counselling is a good place to hear your own voice out loud as it were and work out what’s really happening and most importantly what you want and need now. Eight years is a long time to feel so unheard and on the receiving end of such bad behaviours. I wouldn’t worry too much though about your mum having some knowledge of all this either. Because you’re worried about causing a scene or making things embarrassing for others, you understandably fear what people might ‘think’ about the state of your relationship and your husband knows and uses this. I think you should abandon this worry and talk more to your mum about what’s going on. Abusive behaviour often survives best in isolation. People get scared that others will notice and judge. That’s often what happens to victims of domestic abuse –they’re made to feel that what’s wrong is their fault – and that therefore they should be doing all the changing. That’s wrong. So please, start speaking to people and don’t put up with his selective, cruel and demeaning behaviour any more.