My husband left me back in June, saying he loved me but wasn't ‘in love’ with me.
After fourteen years of marriage, I’m completely devastated. After we split up, we continued seeing each other for a couple of months, but then he ended it again and I discovered he’d actually met someone else.
I managed as best as I could. I tried to do new things and make new friends. Then in October, he told me he was regretting his decision and wanted to try again. At this point, he was still in his new relationship.
Stupidly, I had sex with him but afterwards I told him he needed to finish with this woman before we could try again, so a week later, he did just that. He stayed living at his parents’ house and we tried to take it slow. For the first week, we went out on a few dates, but during this time, this woman was still sending him texts and calling him. He wouldn’t block her number – he said he would, but he never did. On the Friday night, he stayed over and I allowed him to sleep in our bed, we had sex on the Saturday morning then he went back to his parents.
On Sunday, his dad phoned me to ask if he could come over and see me, stating that he ‘only wanted to help’. He came round to the house and we had a long conversation about taking things slowly. He revealed that he’d told my husband to go away for a few days on his own and clear his head.
However, that same afternoon, someone sent a picture to my phone of him in bed with the other woman, with the words ‘last night’ underneath. So it would seem after he left me on Saturday morning, he went straight over to her on Saturday night. I was so enraged that I called him straightaway and asked him what he was doing – and then told him to tell me he loved her and he would never hear from me again. He did just that.
Now I feel worthless and heartbroken. I just don't know how to carry on. I’m forty-six and suddenly single. He’s even turned his back on his sixteen-year-old stepdaughter, who he’s raised since she was one. This other woman is a cocaine user - she has four kids that she can't control and who don't go to school, she doesn't work and has a filthy house – my husband told me all of this. I don't know how to carry on. I cry, I can't function and I wish I wasn't here.
There are few things in this world harder than being abandoned by someone you thought loved you as much as you loved them. This happened to you in June and again in October so it’s not surprising that you’re feeling shredded, devastated and unable to cope. It would be odd if you didn’t. When we invest in relationships, we automatically lay ourselves open to hurt and pain because part of loving someone is feeling able to share our vulnerability with them. That’s a good thing usually, because it means we can be our true selves – we don’t have to pretend and can invite that person to really understand who we are. However, when things don’t work out, we’re left with questions that keep us awake at night. I have no doubt that the one that troubles you the most is probably why he’s seems to have chosen this woman over you, given what he’s previously said about her. Questions like this often become all-consuming to the point where it’s literally impossible to think about anything else. Sometimes the pain gets so bad, not being here feel like the only way forward.
So the first thing I would like you do is to get some professional help. See your GP and consider seeing a counsellor. We all need help occasionally and sometimes we need to be prodded to actually reach out to get it. Don’t feel you have to go alone either – take a friend to support you (most importantly, to make sure you get there). The second point is to remember how, after he first left, you got out there, did things and made new friends. All good and you can do this again but don’t exhaust yourself either. Quite often, we use tactics like this to block out the painful feelings, which then unfortunately have a tendency to burrow down even deeper. That’s why I’ve suggested professional help. A counsellor will be able to support you to work through what’s happened and help you start to heal from the inside out. I know we often talk about keeping busy and it has its place but in my experience, it’s important to make sure you do the best thing in the right order.
I think, too, that part of the struggle you’re facing revolves around the role your father-in-law may have played. Perhaps you’re thinking that he helped to provide your husband with an alibi for getting some time away with the other woman. Whatever the truth of this, doubts like this add to the sense of betrayal that you so clearly describe. We often look to family to offer support in difficult times and not knowing who you can trust to care for you in moments of need adds to the sense that everything around you is collapsing.
But what I most want to say to you is this. Everything you’ve told me about where you are is entirely normal. You’ve been dealt a dreadful blow and recovery from things like this takes time, particularly so when you’re also trying to care for the feelings of others who have been affected such as your daughter. There’s no magic wand but gradually, overtime, people do recover and sometimes find they can be happy again. I hope this will happen for you and your daughter. Make use of your friends and get the professional help I’ve suggested. Your daughter might also benefit from some counselling. Perhaps her school can provide this.
I wonder, though, if the biggest test might come if your husband decides he’s had enough of the other woman and want to return. Now, it’s not for me to say whether or not you should have him back, that’s up to you and you may be very tempted to see if a reconciliation is possible. But a word of caution. Try to resist any knee jerk reaction to pleas to return. Take the time you need to decide what’s best for you. He has broken your trust twice and he should expect you to be very concerned that he could do it again. He would need to demonstrate that something tangible had changed for him and that he was now in position to commit fully to your relationship. Get some couple counselling perhaps but whatever you do, make sure he knows you mean business.
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Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
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