Arguments between children can be upsetting for a parent. You may worry about your children’s relationship - especially if the arguments have been going on regularly for a while. You may feel a responsibility to stop the arguing or you may be upset that the arguments are causing disharmony in your family unit.
While some level of arguing between children isn’t uncommon - and indeed, might be reasonably expected - what can make a difference is the regularity and intensity of arguments. If your children are constantly at odds, or arguments are becoming really aggressive or even physical, this can create real problems.
Understanding why and how children argue
When thinking about how to address the situation, the best place to start is to try and understand where the arguments are coming from.
Is it about the same thing each time or something different? If it’s something different, are certain dynamics being played out each time - for example, one child feeling that the other always gets favourable treatment, or feeling like they don’t get enough attention from you? While arguments in children might often be about seemingly trivial things, there is very often an underlying emotional root - something that is upsetting them and making them want to argue.
Likewise, how are the arguments playing out? Do certain patterns repeat? Is one child being aggressive or bullying the other? This is quite common and it’s very important to recognise bullying when it does occur, as it can have really damaging effects on the self-esteem of the recipient now and in the future. Or perhaps both are showing aggression - and little spats are spiraling out of control quickly.
Start talking about the arguments
The temptation when children are arguing is to be either dismissive or aggressive. It’s easy to not take children particularly seriously when they fight - particularly, if the cause of the fight is over something apparently petty or trivial, or just to tell them to be quiet or stop squabbling.
But this may not be the most constructive route. It can be much more effective to directly address what’s happening and help them talk about what they’re feeling and understand why they’re arguing.
In practice, this can simply mean taking the time to sit down and talk with your children when they have a fight. Instead of breaking them up and doling out punishment, start a proper conversation about what’s happening: ask them why they’re angry, upset, or sad, and be sure to give each child an equal chance to tell their side of the story.
By talking things through properly, you’ll help both children feel ‘heard’ and give them a chance to express their emotions more constructively. By listening to them and encouraging them to express themselves, you’re teaching them that negative feelings can be addressed by talking and not just by shouting. And it’ll help you to understand your children better - to understand the real emotions behind the arguments and whether there are things that you all need to talk through together.
Of course, this is sometimes easier said than done. It’s one thing to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings when you actually have a spare hour but quite another when they’re screaming at each other as you pile them in the car to go to school. However, at those kinds of moments, one solution might be to acknowledge to them that this isn’t the right moment to talk about their rows but you will all find time to discuss it at a suitable moment in the next couple of days. That will show them that you’re concerned about what’s happening and want to talk with them. Just because it won’t always be possible to pull this off perfectly every time doesn’t mean it can’t have a really positive effect in the long term.
Modelling good behaviour and healthy relationships
Similarly, it’s also about leading by example. Very often, children learn how to communicate by watching their parents. And that includes how you argue. If they see that you and your partner are behaving certain ways when you disagree i.e. by getting really angry with one another, always blaming each other, or refusing to engage properly, there’s a risk that they may begin to do the same thing.
As such, it’s also important to look after your own relationship and make sure you’re modelling the behaviour you would like your children to follow. You may need to think about whether you and your partner have got into any bad habits when it comes to communicating, or whether there are any issues in your own relationship that need sorting out.
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