Low self-esteem after a break up

When a relationship ends, especially if you don't want it to end, you will feel a sense of loss, dreams will be dashed and maybe the future does not feel so certain. Friends and family may tell you to go out and meet people and move on but it will not feel easy to do that when all you want to do is curl up in a fleece with the TV and avoid everyone. 

It's at times like this when your self-esteem can take a knock, as it's related to how we value and perceive ourselves, and when a relationship has just ended it can be hard to feel positive and worthy of care and affection. 

Everyone loses confidence in themselves now and then and recognising this is the first step in regaining your self-confidence. For some who don't recognise this, their lack of self-confidence can slip into depression. Whether it's at work or at home everyone benefits from feeling good about themselves and their abilities. 

Signs of low self-esteem

  • Avoiding challenges and opportunities
  • Avoiding responsibilities
  • Being overly dependent on others
  • Relying on others to make decisions
  • Putting yourself down
  • Isolating yourself
  • Becoming highly emotional, possibly depressed

Raising self-esteem

When you feel good about yourself it's easy to value yourself and regard the world as a great place.

It's too simple to imagine that by just telling someone to be positive they will start to feel better about themselves, and it is far from useful to agree with them that all is doom and gloom. We all have choice but someone with low self-esteem may not be able to see anything other than the darkness of no confidence. The trick is to enable someone to take responsibility for themselves.

Some tips for raising self-esteem

  • Appreciate yourself - make time to relax and unwind, give yourself a 'gift'
  • Accept that you have limitations
  • Stop criticising yourself
  • Recognise what you have achieved and are good at
  • Pamper yourself
  • Focus on good feelings, remember times when you have been happy, relaxed and at peace
  • Accept compliments when they're given
  • Remind yourself of your good qualities and of times you have been successful
  • Try not to think in black and white terms, explore the grey!
  • Set yourself realistic goals
  • Start an exercise regime

Wondering if self-esteem is impacting your relationships? Take our quiz.

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Self-esteem is a way of describing how you view yourself and your place in the world. Having healthy self-esteem tends to mean that you believe you have value - that you matter as a person, your needs and feelings matter, and that other people recognise this too. 

Having low self-esteem can mean believing that you don’t have much value - that you aren’t important, you don’t have much to offer, and that others view you accordingly. 

Your self-esteem affects both how you think about yourself and the kinds of emotions you experience on a day to day basis. Someone with high self-esteem is generally more likely to experience positive emotions like confidence, happiness, contentment and calmness. 

They may feel more comfortable living their lives, because they feel secure in who they are and what they deserve. They may also feel more optimistic about the future - having faith that good things may happen to them.  

Someone with low self-esteem is more likely to experience emotions like shame, doubt, uncertainty, anxiety or embarrassment. They may find it difficult to go about their daily lives because they don’t have a positive view of themselves or what they’re capable of. 

This can, counter-intuitively, result in behaviours that might seem arrogant or overconfident, which are sometimes deployed as ways of compensating for feelings of weakness or uselessness. 

Your self-esteem can have a lot of effects on your relationships with others, including your romantic relationships. Having high self-esteem and loving yourself can make it much easier to have positive, loving connections with other people. 

Because they feel more secure in themselves, someone with high self-esteem is more likely to be open with their feelings, manage conflict more constructively and feel trusting towards people. They are also likely to have a strong sense of their own independence - and not become too dependent on the attention or approval of others. 

People with low self-esteem may struggle with expressing their needs, instead keeping them inside until they create resentment or cause them to act out in other ways. They may also struggle with the conflicts that can be part of any relationship - taking any criticism to heart, or overcompensating and lashing out.  

If you think your self-esteem may be affecting your relationships, you may like to take our quiz. It will help you think about any ways in which this might be happening, as well as ways in which your self-esteem could be affecting you more generally. 

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