Hello, I believe my mum has BPD. Mum doesn’t have any friends and her family is estranged. She didn’t do any activities without dad. My dad died recently and my mum is very angry towards us about things my brother and I did or didn’t do before and since dad passed away. She has always been a bit difficult throughout our lives and easily loses her temper. She refuses to have any kind of counselling due to something in her past that she is scared will come out.
I don’t know what this is but one could assume that it may be abuse. However she is now guilt tripping us when we always tried our best to help with mum and dads appointments, visits and outings. I had a call with mum to talk about visiting one day. I live 40 miles away so wouldn’t just go on a whim. Mum said she was too upset for visitors, so I suggested going alone or we would just chat on the phone.
The chat went on, on the phone for over an hour but Mum turned nasty saying she was angry with us for leaving her to it as she’s very lonely. She said I don’t text her unless she texts me. She said I accused her of ruining Father’s Day. (She said she wanted to kill herself on Father’s Day and was being totally irrational about what was needed for a day out then proceeded to sulk and walk behind the group on the day out.
The day out ended in me saying I had had enough of her behaviour and was taking them home). During the call I responded to her with a few home truths about her behaviour and that yes she did ruin dads last day out. The weekend before dad died my brother and I were both away with our families and she said during the call that dad could have died. I said “but he didn’t”. She said that dad would have said “F*** them” about my brother and I.
This really hurt me so I said I was ending the call. We have had a few short texts where I have asked how she was and mum mostly moaning about things. She didn’t respond to my last text. I cannot face up to calling or visiting since our last call. My work and home life are suffering. My GP has signed me off and I’m taking anxiety medication. I spoke to a counsellor who said I need boundaries and to keep calls short and if mums behaviour escalates to politely end the call.
I can’t forget the horrible things she said and I can’t make the call or visit. My brother recently had chest pain and could not visit and mum was nasty with him too, saying “what about me”. Please could you advise me what to do and how I can protect myself.
I think you love your mum but hate her behaviour. I also think that the loss of your dad and all the time leading up to his death have brought difficult things to the surface. Now, all of you are grieving for him, albeit in your different ways. The loss of both your mum's affection and your dad must be profoundly painful experiences.
On top of all this there is your mum to deal with. You allude to a history of having a parent who for whatever reason has been unable to meet your emotional needs. It sounds too as if she is unable to meet her own needs and looks to others to do that which often ends in family members feeling crushed by the weight of being made responsible for another's happiness and wellbeing. Your mum may have BPD (I'm not qualified to diagnose) but whatever is the issue, it's been a significant feature of your family lives together. Now though, an important part of the family system is no longer there and so the family dynamic has shifted leaving you and your brother unable to contemplate contacting your mum, let alone spend time with her.
You have a responsibility to attend to your own loss and grief and it sounds like you're doing that with the help of a counsellor who has made some very sensible suggestions about boundaries. People often feel that putting boundaries in place in situations such as you describe is cruel and rejecting. They sometimes believe that they have duty to be all things to all people and to provide support no matter how badly this might impact on their own wellbeing and mental health. Actually though, boundaries are sometimes a really good way of repairing troubled relationships. That's because you have chosen to do something different which means that the person on the other end of the boundary has the opportunity to do something different too. Boundaries also provide some breathing space in which to retreat and recharge the batteries so that the next encounter doesn't feel so overwhelming and negative.
Putting boundaries in place doesn't mean that you don't feel for your mum and her distress. She may choose to see it that way and accuse you of deserting her but that isn't what you will have done. Instead, you will have provided a framework in which some limited communication may become possible and that is probably better than no communication at all. In the meantime, your and your brother can come together in a shared grief which is not so easily interrupted by another's incessant emotional demands.
Loving someone doesn't mean being responsible for them. Do the bit you can do and look after your own needs properly. I think your dad would want that for you.
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Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
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