I have a crush on someone else

I think you‘d be surprised at just how common this is. Here you are in what sounds like a perfect relationship. Everything catered for with a loving, caring partner. Then all of a sudden, you start noticing someone else. It’s a gradual thing at first and you try to pretend it’s not really happening. Yet of course, the more you do that, the stronger the nagging ‘what ifs’ about The New Bloke become. Suddenly, this other person has become a real distraction and you’re asking yourself whether you’re still in love with Man Number One.

Many people come to counselling with this problem. It isn’t that easy to sort out … but there are some questions that might be helpful to ask yourself. First of all, can you remember when you actually began to have doubts? Was it really just when The New Bloke made an appearance or is he in fact, the person or event that you’ve been waiting for to find a way out of your current relationship? I understand that you feel your current relationship offers so much and perhaps it really does, but sometimes when we can’t actually find the words to end something, we look for an action that amounts to the same thing. Sometimes it just seems easier to do rather than to say. With the best will in the world, even the most loving partner turns out not to be the one for you – but therein lies another potential problem.

For some people – and I have no idea if you think this might apply to you – having something that seems precious and important is wonderful in some ways, but in our other ‘darker’ recesses, it’s also very frightening because being very close to someone we love also means that we can lose them with the consequent unbearable pain. So, one way of dealing with this is to leave first – at least you’re in charge of when it happens.

On the other hand, perhaps The New Bloke has become an attractive proposition because something subtle and almost unseen has changed in your relationship with your partner. What was happening six months ago? New job, family problems or bereavement perhaps? Sometimes when life throws us a curved ball, partners can find it difficult to give us the support we want. Often, it’s a time when couples come to counselling, because one of them feels that at a time of great difficulty, their other half isn’t giving them what they need.

Interestingly, I get no sense at all, as to whether you’ve told your partner how you feel. Given what you say, he must have noticed something is wrong between you but perhaps he’s worried about raising it in case it makes his worst fear come true. This often prevents people having really good conversations about what may be going on and what you each want to do about it.

Of course, it may just be that your relationship has run its course and it’s indeed time to move on. Maybe the object of your desires really is ‘the One’? (although I’d advise caution here, as there may be several ‘Ones’). He looks more exciting, the sex might be fab, he may meet your every need and you may fall head over heels in love with him. However, at some point, if that new relationship endures, you may end up facing the same issue – you love him, but you’re not in love with him.

I think that before you make any decisions, you might want to get some individual counselling. Take a really good look at what you want from a relationship and specifically, work out what the difference between what ‘being in love’ and ‘loving’ someone means for you. At the risk of sounding like a complete misery, the ‘being in love bit’ isn’t really designed to last in all its initial glory. Having said that, many deeply committed couples will say that in spite of the occasional blip or wobble, their partner still makes them feel wonderful and greatly loved. I guess it all depends on whether you are someone who wants and or needs the constant highs and dizziness that being in love often brings. Nothing wrong with that at all – just make sure that you know yourself well enough to make the right choices.