I feel dominated by my husband

The first place to go is to acknowledge the courage it’s taken to write all this down. It’s a huge feat to put all these sad and at times ‘defeated’ thoughts in one place and I’m so glad you’ve done this. That’s because until now, all these experiences have perhaps been at what’s called the ‘pre-contemplative’ position. All that means is that you’ve been thinking about them yet feeling totally unable to take any action. You’ve yearned for love, affection and to be important in his life ( who doesn’t want that from their relationship?). But the loss of hope that anything could ever be different and which has consumed you over all these years has I think become its own self-fulfilling prophesy.

This is probably a tough thing to hear but actually, your husband’s behaviour towards you amounts to domestic abuse. When seen through that lens, maybe you can accept that much of how you have felt and ‘been’ in this marriage are a consequence of what he has been both saying and doing. Sometimes people assume that it’s only domestic violence, e.g., when someone physically hurts their partner that counts. But in fact, things like controlling all the money, withholding information about money, rubbishing your opinions, cold shouldering you, making it difficult to have friends and family interaction and ruining whenever that does happen – all these things done on a consistent basis amount to emotional and financial abuse, essentially it’s coercive control. So too is that time honoured ‘go to’ place for abusive partners where they tell or imply that you’re making yourself out to be a victim. The implication being that you should not think it strange or unfair to be treated so badly. In essence, he has made you feel worthless and as anyone will tell you, when you feel worthless it’s even harder to decide what to do…

So, perhaps I can help you a little here. The first thing I’d like you to consider is that you’re worth more than all this. No one should have to live such a cold, sterile life. The second thing is to acknowledge that by writing all this down and actually sending it to someone, you’re one step nearer to finding the strength to make the decisions that are right for you. Many, many people will identify with the loneliness you feel coupled with the constant fear of being put down and diminished. You’re really not alone here because one of the key problems with long term abuse is how it completely and utterly saps any shred of self-confidence. When there isn’t room in a relationship to feel valued as ‘you’, it’s not surprising if you actually lose sight of who you really are. From what you say, I think he’s taken advantage of that shy young person from years ago. Rather than cherish that vulnerable and wonderful part of you, the behaviours you describe all amount to making you feel shameful that you can’t ‘stand up to him’ as you put it. In fact though the hopelessness you feel now has nothing to do with being shy and rather more to do with the abusive behaviours that have been handed out over so many years.

So, the next thing you should consider is getting some professional help. Information is power as they say and you might really benefit from having a factual idea of your rights as a married woman of 47 years. Some solicitors offer a fixed fee consultation and Citizen's Advice have a wealth of information that could be useful to you. There’s also so much info out there on the web. It’s sometimes helpful to go with a trusted friend or family member to an appointment because if you’re not used to talking about all this with someone else, it can seem a bit overwhelming. Having someone with you to jog your memory or note down what’s being said might help you to get the most from you can better concentrate on getting the info you want.

But of course, even making the appointment is likely to feel very daunting and that's why I’d suggest that alongside getting the practical advice you need, you need to look after yourself emotionally. Please do consider accessing some personal counselling. This can be a really helpful space to explore your feelings and work through the many ‘what if’ questions you may have about the about staying with or leaving this relationship. Getting the practical or emotional support I’ve suggested holds you to nothing. All it might do is hold up a mirror in which you might see fresh possibilities. But most importantly, I would hope it helps you to see that there is support and there are people you can talk with about potential ways forward. This is a particularly important if you fear his reaction to any decision you might want to make. Abusive partners often rely on this fear so speaking with people who can really support you through whatever choice you make is vital for emotional, mental and sometimes physical wellbeing.

Making life changing decisions can be scary. You’ve indicated that like so many of us you’re not in the first flush of youth and sometimes that can make decision making seem more problematic. I’d leave you with the thought though that you do have great strengths. You’ve raised kids with whom it sounds like you have a good relationship. You’ve got to this point in your life and so eloquently vocalised what’s wrong and that you want something different. That takes courage after so many years of being undermined.

So please – do reach out for the support I’ve suggested – it is waiting for you.