A year ago, I met someone, with whom I never expected to be in a relationship. We dated for 3 months and then he suggested going more "serious", as he wanted us to only see each other. I had already started having feelings, so him suggesting it seemed like a dream come true. We stayed together for a couple of my most amazing months. I felt so much in love and loved too.
At some point, he told me he was in a long term relationship when we started dating and he was also seeing me and two more women. I was in shock but appreciated the honesty. I didn't feel betrayed as we weren't "together" back then. It was just casual sex and hanging around.
A few weeks after his "confession" he told me he needed more space and that he was feeling pressure. We broke up but kept texting each other every now and then. We met 4 months later. We slept together and he told me he misses all the good times we had, meaning both sex and hanging around. We got back together. I told him I would need time to trust him and he told me he understands what he's done, that this had hurt me and he would do anything to prove me that this time was different.
For the next 3-4 months there was a lot of love bombing, but also great support and interest. I found out that he has either cheated on me or tried (still trying maybe?) to do so. I've tried to explain how I see sex, relationship and interest being three very different things, so maybe he would tell me the truth. But he didn't. At some point, I told him I know he cheated on me (with great details of when, how and with whom). He denied everything. Then, for a while, he changed his story... Many times... And then he went back to "I haven't cheated. I just told you I did so that you let it go".
I'm serious when I say I see sex and being in a relationship as two way different things. When I explained that, saying that it would be fine if he told me, he said "I can't do this! I don't know how you grew up, but for me, this is weird. I am more traditional". I laughed and let it go.
To me, it is considered "cheating" only when it's happening under the table. So it's not him having sex with others that makes me feel sad and hopeless, but the actual lies...
I believe he won't ever change. I also think that the best option for me would be leaving him. I don't want to do this right now, as I feel so completely in love with him. I just can't stop wondering what else to expect...
The bottom line here is that you want completely different things. You want commitment and a guarantee that he’s always truthful. I suspect what he wants is a good time, no commitment and lots of sex and probably no real need to be truthful. I think your point about it’s only cheating when you don’t know your partner is doing it is very interesting. Essentially what you’re saying there is that although you crave his love and commitment, he can play around as long as he lets you know.
Now, of course, there’s nothing wrong with having an ‘open’ relationship. Some partnerships can flourish where each partner is free to come and go sexually with others. Other partnerships work well based on mutual agreement of how each of the couple will ‘behave’ towards others. That might mean that one partner is more than happy for the other to meet up, have fun and sex with others but don’t really want sex with other people themselves. Relationships can be complex and we all have our personal ‘rules’ which influence how we deal with things.
In this case though he isn’t even willing to tell you what he’s doing and I suspect that at some level this is all part of the thrill of the chase. He knows you love him, want to be with him but just want him to be truthful with you. He chooses not be so and switching his story round keeps you on your toes as it were, with all the emotional upset, constant looking for evidence and generally not really knowing where you stand in his affections this brings.
I think you have to imagine how you will feel if you stay and all this carries on. At the risk of sounding a bit challenging here, I do wonder whether, even if he does get round to telling you when he’s off to have sex somewhere knowing he’s doing that may start to feel less comfortable as time goes on and quite apart from any emotional considerations you need to have a mind to the possibility of STI’s so getting checked out regularly may become a real necessity.
To be completely honest with you, I’m not quite sure what it is you love about this man. I know that sounds harsh and quite possibly none of my business but the ‘what’s in it for you?’ question really does come to mind. You don’t have any evidence you can trust him and quite a lot of evidence that you can’t. Feeling you can’t trust your partner is so diminishing and erodes self-confidence. The experience of constantly yearning for the relief of knowing that you can and do trust someone but somehow never getting to that point is a significant factor in many relationship breakdowns.
Ultimately, there are lots of ways to be in one or more relationships. What tends to make whatever choice you make successful is feeling that you and whomever you’re involved with have agreed the same ground rules and developed a trust in those rules, agreeing to check in with each other to ensure everyone is still up for what was agreed in the first place. Perhaps now’s the time to move on and find someone who wants what you want and is prepared to play by the rules that you’ve mutually agreed.
Do you have a question to ask Ammanda?
Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
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