Let’s be honest … we’ve all thought about it at some point. Am I actually any good in bed? What do they think of me? How would I know?
You could ask your partners but you might not believe them, or they might not give you useful feedback, it’s a cringy question!
But is thinking about sex like this necessarily the best way to go about things? And what does being ‘good at’ sex actually mean?
But thinking about sex in this way can mean you run into problems. When we think of sex as a performance - as something you do - we’re missing out on one key detail: it’s not just about you - it’s about both of you.
Let's talk about intimacy instead
Because sex, like so many other things in relationships, is about communication. It’s about being able to pick up on what your sexual partner likes and being able to communicate the same back. It’s those conversations that are the start of intimacy in its truest nature.
So that might mean quite literally just asking: ‘What kind of stuff do you like? And talking it through - either before or after. Or during - checking in while you’re in the middle of things to make sure they’re having fun, and listening if they tell you something. It also means picking up on physical cues - noticing when they’re into something or when maybe they’re not.
It’s worth remembering that, despite the impression that some people might give, we make ourselves quite vulnerable when we have sex with someone, and it’s important to be careful with each other's feelings. If you want to suggest something or ask your sexual partner to do something different, make sure to do this gently - framing things in positive terms (‘It would be nice if we could try; I love it when … ’), not negative ones (‘I hate it when you … ’).
Let’s talk about sex
Because sex, like so many other things in relationships, is about communication. It’s about being able to pick up on what your sexual partner likes (forgive the slightly Sex Ed term) and being able to communicate the same back.
So that might mean quite literally just asking: ‘what kind of stuff do you like? And talking it through - either before or after. Or during - checking in while you’re in the middle of things to make sure they’re having fun, and listening if they tell you something. It also means picking up on physical cues - noticing when they’re into something or when maybe they’re not.
Cringe! Well, obviously, this can all feel a bit uncomfortable - and it can take a bit of adjusting before you get good at it. But awkwardness aside, it can make the difference between ploughing on (forgive the pun) just hoping for the best - and starting something really special.
A quick note on this: it’s worth remembering that, despite the impression that some people might give, we make ourselves vulnerable when we have sex with someone, and it’s important to be careful with each other's feelings. If you want to suggest something or ask your sexual partner (oops ... gone all Sex Ed again) to do something different, make sure to do this gently - framing things in positive terms (‘It would be nice if we could try … ’), not negative ones (‘I hate it when you … ’).
Try to relax
The other thing to say is that - despite how it might feel sometimes - sex isn’t the most important thing in the world, nor is being good at it. In fact, piling all this pressure up can be another part of the problem.
If you’re seeing sex as this big, scary, important thing you can end up sucking the fun out of it. And that might mean you find it hard to relax and just enjoy things together. Sometimes, what it takes for you to both have a good time is just that: for you to both have a good time being with each other.
It can be worth letting go of some of these sexpectations and seeing how things go. It can also help to accept that sex won’t always be perfect - especially if you’ve only met the person recently or you’re in the early stages of a relationship. It can take a few goes before you really get used to each other, before you build up a bit of an emotional connection, and before you have a chance to properly talk about what each other likes.
Communication is a big topic, but you might like to start by checking out our article about communication tips to try with your partner. These tips will help you think about how you’re communicating together, and using them can help to make tricky conversations easier.
How we can help
If you’re looking for support with your relationships, we can help. We offer a range of ways to speak with a trained relationship expert including ongoing counselling, 30 minute web and phone chats, and one session therapy.
Find out which service is right for you
How you can help
Have you found this advice helpful? Make a donation to help us reach more people and continue supporting the nation’s relationships:
Can't afford to donate? We understand. Instead, we ask that you leave us a 5 star review on Trustpilot.