Rejection hurts, but it's a normal part of life. It's important to learn from it, build resilience, and keep trying. Blaming yourself or others won't help. Don't let fear of rejection stop you from putting yourself out there.
No-one likes rejection. There’s just something uniquely hardcore about it. And that’s not just in relationships or when asking someone out - being rejected for a job, being rejected by friends, being rejected at an audition - it's all rough. But just because it's hard, doesn't mean there aren't ways to cope.
When we are rejected it means that someone has said ‘no’ to us, whether that is in a relationship context , at a job interview or to a suggestion we have made. This may come with an explanation or a counter offer or it may be a simple no. This will evoke feelings in us that this article is about dealing with but it is important to respect the no we have received, however hard that may feel at times
Fear of rejection
How deep a fear of rejection runs varies from person to person. Some people fear rejection so much that they compulsively avoid putting themselves in situations where there’s the smallest possibility that it might be an outcome.
Most obviously, that might mean that they don’t put themselves out there romantically - never approaching anyone in case they’re turned down. It can also mean avoiding rejection within relationships: avoiding asking for what they want because they’re scared the person they’re going out with won’t listen. Or it might affect someone’s life more generally - they might shut down, rarely taking chances on anything, be that romantically, professionally or socially.
For a lot of people, the fear is something they learn when they’re younger. If your mum or dad didn’t respond when you asked for attention when you were little, you might come to be really scared of rejection when you’re older. Or it can just happen because of a big rejection at one point - a bad breakup for example.
Learning from rejection
The blunt truth is: rejection is likely to happen so we should probably try to learn to work with it. That might sound a bit depressing, but in some ways, it isn’t that bad. Learning to face rejection and come out okay on the other side can be really empowering.
Yes, it really sucks if you ask someone out and they say no. But that doesn't mean you should never ask anyone out again. No-one who has ever achieved anything in the history of ever didn’t face a little rejection along the way. So finding a way to deal with it is important if you want to build emotional resilience and face up to the challenges of life.
Now, obviously, this is much easier said than done. And if you think your fear of rejection is so bad that it’s getting in the way all the time, well … this advice probably isn’t going to sort it. You might find talking to a counsellor is a really useful way of figuring out where the fear is coming from, so you can think of ways to deal with it.
But if you’re just worried about putting yourself out there more, then really, the best way is to just do it. Dealing with rejection is a skill, and it’s one you can develop. The more you try, fail, and try again, the easier it’s going to be, like skating or learning an instrument.
You could even try to flip your perspective, and see rejection as a good thing! Sounds a bit weird and self-helpy, right? But think about it: if you’re being rejected, that means you’re trying. And if you’re trying, that means you’re more likely to succeed. So being rejected isn’t a bad thing - it’s just part of getting where you need to be.
It might be that the thing you were going after was not for you and you may in time be able to reflect that you offered what you could to that job interview but actually it was not a job that would suit you or you would be happy in?
Blame and rejection
Blame is the enemy of dealing with rejection in a healthy way. And that’s blame both towards others and towards yourself.
If you screw up a job interview, you might feel like calling yourself a fool or calling the interviewer a fool. But if you’re blaming, you’re not learning. Sometimes, you just need to take a step back, to feel what you’re feeling - be it anger, sadness or whatever - and then think about what you can learn from what happened.
Forward is the only direction of travel.
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