A miscarriage can be a traumatic event in any relationship. They occur without warning, and may leave behind a sense of shock, confusion and grief.
You and your partner may have already have made all kinds of plans for the future. It’s not uncommon for parents to already have begun to form a bond with a child before it’s born. This can be especially difficult for the person who is carrying the baby. And the expectation and hope and the promise of new life is gone -- and beyond your control. To make matters worse, this level of loss can often be dismissed by the medical profession as "just a miscarriage", especially if it's early on in the pregnancy.
It can take a long time to process all the emotions involved. But, aside from being incredible difficult to cope with as individuals, miscarriages can also have really challenging effects on your relationship.
Different reactions
It’s not uncommon for members of a couple to react entirely differently to an event like this.
For the person carrying the baby, pregnancy hormones will play a factor. Even after the loss of a pregnancy, your hormones might continue telling you you're pregnant -- which can be very traumatising.
For the person who isn't pregnant, the loss can feel less tangible. But while they haven't had the physical presence of a baby inside them, they will still have had the hope and expectation. There can sometimes be less professional support available for those who haven't carried the pregnancy.
For both parents, it can take a long time to process all the complex emotions involved. Sometimes, one person might want to talk about things while the other withdraws and refuses to talk at all. This difference can sometimes be split down gender lines, but this is by no means always the case.
One potential reason behind this contrast is that all of us have different emotional styles - different ways of coping with events. And while that’s entirely natural (and indeed we’re often attracted to people with different emotional styles to our own), it can also create misunderstandings.
When one partner doesn’t want to talk, but the other does, it can feel like they simply don’t care and are unwilling to offer support. Whereas the other partner may feel unable to connect with their emotions, or as if they aren’t sure how to support themselves, let alone anyone else.
This can be reinforced in the case of a miscarriage because, in this situation, both people are also likely to be grieving. In counselling, we often think about grief as a process with a number of stages, including shock, anger, denial and acceptance. Again, people tend to go through this process at different speeds – which, in this situation, can mean being in highly different emotional state to your partner at any one time.
Dealing with disconnection
It’s important to try to be communicative and understanding of one another when it comes to any challenging situations in a relationship. But in the case of a miscarriage, this is particularly important.
In the aftermath of a truly traumatic event like this, there’s a very real risk of becoming disconnected and drifting apart. Emotional patterns that might otherwise have only caused minor friction in your relationship can suddenly create massive rifts. Although it’s hard, it’s important to remember that you need to look after yourselves as a couple, as well as individuals.
Most of this is simply down to letting each other know how you’re doing, what you’re currently feeling and thinking – and then listening as the other person does the same.
Of course, this can be more difficult for the partner who most wants to withdraw – and it can be particularly important to be patient and understanding if this is the case. But finding the time to check in with each other, even if this just means acknowledging that you aren’t ready to talk yet, will be crucial to maintaining your connection and, as time goes on, feeling you are dealing with this as a couple.
How to talk about it
There are a number of things you may find it useful to bear in mind:
Understand you may have different ways of dealing with this. As already mentioned, we all have different emotional styles. What might seem like your partner being uncaring might be them feeling helpless and stuck. And what might seem your partner being overbearing and angry might be them feeling like they need support. Try to accept that your partner may be coming at this from an entirely different perspective than you, and that they may be processing things the only way they know how.
Use ‘I’ phrases. One trick that can make difficult conversations go a little smoother is using ‘I’ phrases instead of ‘you’ phrases. So you might say: ‘I’m feeling a little unsupported right now’, rather than ‘You just don’t care’. It can be more productive to talk about how you’re getting on instead of accusing each other of things – that way, you’re taking responsibility for your own feelings and your partner is less likely to feel defensive.
Take as many timeouts as you need. When it comes to talking about traumatic experiences like miscarriage, emotions can understandably run high. If you can help it, don’t let conversations spin out of control and turn into shouting matches. You may find it useful to take ten minutes to calm down before carrying on.
Set a time and place. Some couples find it useful to set aside some time to discuss a difficult experience, and then not talk about it outside of this. That way, you know you’ve got a space where you can talk about things together, but also that the conversation won’t dominate your day-to-day lives. If you think this would be more manageable for you, you could try putting aside, say, 30 minutes once a week. It’s best to schedule when you’re unlikely to be disturbed – not, for instance, when you’re about to leave the house.
Of course, all of this will be easier further down the line than it is at the start. And it’s often the case that progress is uneven.
One week, one or both of you may feel you’re a little stronger, then the next might fall apart all over again. It’s common for couples who’ve suffered a miscarriage to experience feelings of jealousy towards others with babies. Sometimes all it takes is an errant thought to leave you feeling as if the grief is new all over again.
But if you’re able to stay connected throughout this then your relationship can be a source of strength – something that makes it more bearable, rather than even more difficult.
Getting an outside perspective
You may also find it helpful to talk to a counsellor about what’s going on. They will have been trained to help in situations like this and understand how miscarriages can create instability in a relationship.
It can also be really useful to talk to someone who has experience of this kind of situation. Family or friends who have been through something serious may help you understand that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling, even if it can sometimes seem this way.
There are also organisations dedicated to helping people through miscarriage. The Miscarriage Association and Tommy’s have lots of useful information and advice on their sites, with a helpline five days a week on 01924 200 799.
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