Once we’ve been with someone for a while, they see most of who we are: the good bits and the bits that might not be so nice. However, the flip side of this, particularly in long-term relationships, can be a sense that your partner is complacent about your relationship. That can lead to you feeling taken for granted.
How to know if you are being taken for granted
It might be that you're always left with various practical chores to do, and your partner doesn’t ever offer to do these things themselves. This may be because you’ve always done these things so they assume you're happy to continue that way, without ever checking it out with you. It may be that you are, in fact, better at a particular task than your partner but it's still nice to be asked if you're happy continuing to do it.
Being taken for granted can also be part of their attitude towards you. They may rarely make the effort to be kind, affectionate or say something nice to you. It can also show up in how they spend their time - failing to make quality time for you and prioritising time with friends or work ahead of you.
At its most unpleasant, they might be outwardly unkind to you. They can seem contemptuous and do things that give the impression that you can be treated however they wish and you’ll just put up with it.
Feeling unappreciated or uncared for is a really upsetting experience. Over time, you can start to feel undervalued, lonely and even resentful . You might wonder if they really care about you and miss the days when it felt like they did.
What leads to feelings of being taken for granted?
It might be, simply, that your partner is used to things being like this, and has forgotten to make the effort. We can all be guilty of this. There’s often an assumption in long-term relationships that if things have been fine so far, they’ll stay like this - you shouldn’t have to try to make things work. Of course, there are also good reasons why someone can get preoccupied by another concern whether it is to do with another family member, changing jobs or work pressures or, for instance, bereavement.
But if this continues for a long period, without being acknowledged, it can be easy to let your relationship slip down the priorities list and that feeling of being taken for granted can grow. While it can feel like there’s too much going on to put your relationship first, without a little bit of attention you can find yourselves drifting further and further apart.
Sometimes, though, other problems are at the heart of feeling taken for granted. Falling into the habit of not telling each other what’s going on in your lives, as well as how you feel about the relationship itself can mean you stop tuning into the other person’s emotional state.
These patterns can become entrenched and you may start to feel you're drifting apart. It can then become much harder trying to resolve any kind of disagreement or conflict.
It is, of course, completely normal that, as you get older and your relationship matures, you will both change as people, to some extent. Matters that seemed to be a priority when you were first together are less important, twenty years down the line. But if you don't talk with each other about your thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, and how that's affecting your relationship, that 'taken for granted' feeling can start to develop.
People sometimes talk of 'feeling invisible' to their partner. A new dress or a different hairstyle goes unnoticed; you stop talking with each other about your day has been and, instead, your partner is looking at their phone.
How to stop being taken for granted
Whatever the case, the best way to begin to address the issue is by talking about it. Although this can initially feel awkward and uncomfortable, it’s an essential first step if you want to begin to find your way back to how things used to be.
It might be that making a few small but important changes is enough to get things back on track. Sometimes, just putting aside a few hours a week to simply reconnect and see how each other is doing can make a real difference. That might mean going out for a walk together, or doing something you both enjoy. Taking the time to do this sort of things can allow you to enjoy each other in the way you may have at the start of the relationship - and begin remember what it is you like about each other.
Alternatively, it might be that you need to go a little deeper - confronting any issues that might be elsewhere in the relationship, and being honest about your feelings about these. It’s important that you don’t go into this kind of discussion with the intention of attacking your partner, trying to score points or telling them everything you think they’ve been doing wrong. Rather it’s about addressing problems for the good of both of you and your relationship.
As part of this, it’s also important to consider things from the opposite perspective. It might be a challenging question to ask, but are there any ways in which you might also taking them for granted? Are you making certain assumptions about them or about the relationship without checking in first? It’s rare that problems in a relationship are entirely down to one person even if it feels like this. Being able to acknowledge any areas that you think you should change in yourself will also help your partner feel less defensive.
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