Am I the abuser?

Ammanda says...

It’s probably the latter. What you describe is domestic abuse and you have a responsibility to yourself and your daughter to get help and stay safe.

Your partner’s behaviours may well be connected to his drug use but that’s no excuse for the treatment he’s dishing out to you. Addiction is a terrible thing, and many people will be nodding in agreement with how you experience the catastrophic impact it has on relationships and families generally.

Ammanda says...

One of the most painful realisations for anyone connected to a loved one with such a destructive addiction is that there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. The only person who can make changes is the person with the addiction and until they realise that and get help, unfortunately, nothing much is likely to change. It sounds like your partner has a long-term problem and a bit of a reputation perhaps. You tell me how fun it was at the beginning of the relationship, even though he was doing drugs. But as often happens when something as fundamental as getting pregnant happens, you thought he should recognize the need to stop and become a partner who could focus on your needs and those of the baby - create a family if you like. Well, I’m not going to suggest that addicts never make changes because sometimes they do. But it’s hard work, often it needs professional support and of course, the grip of the addiction makes it so difficult to want to engage with either of those in a positive way.

It's not just the physical violence you describe that’s so worrying here either. The emotional strain on you and your daughter must feel immense. Being the one who constantly begs for reasonable change but not getting it is soul-destroying. Unfortunately, you’re locked into a cycle of recriminations that are underpinned by the primary relationship in his life being with drugs and based on what you describe, it doesn’t sound like anything much is going to change unless there’s a change in mindset. For him, that would be appreciating the devastating impact of drugs on all your lives and a determination to get clean. Whilst that would be a positive step, the problem that comes with it is that the addict needs to focus entirely on their recovery. It’s not unusual for family members to feel excluded and uncared for during that process. Sometimes families work through it but often relationships end because there’s just not enough emotional energy to keep the couple or family relationships going.

The other thing that could change is that you decide to do something different. I think you need to focus on your own well-being and that of your daughter. That may involve some very difficult choices because I can see from what you say that really, you just want him to stop being an addict and become the caring partner you seek. But again, from what you say, that doesn’t look promising. So, my strong advice to you is that you get some professional help to support decision making that prioritises your physical and emotional safety.

It’s worth saying here that it’s natural to want to support a partner when they’re in trouble, at a low ebb or when they’re faced with any one of the many, sometimes brutal, challenges that can befall any of us. But none of that care has come your way for far too long. So, I know you love this man but now you need to love yourself more. I really encourage you to get support from people who will understand the risks you face and can help you to navigate the safest options. In time, it might be helpful to get some counselling to explore the attraction to bad boys. Lots of people find it exciting, to begin with. Some people are consistently drawn to partners who live dangerously. Sometimes that’s not a problem until, as in this case, it becomes one.

You and your daughter are worth more than all this. So, in fact, is he, but only he can realise that and sort himself out.