Not everything you hear about relationships is true. These are the top five myths our counsellors hear in the therapy room and why they're a bunch of bs.
1. 'Relationships should be easy' or 'It shouldn't be this hard'
Really? Where did this idea come from? Lots of things worth having require work. Believing otherwise sets you up to fail.
The fact is, sometimes relationships and human experiences are complicated, painful and difficult, but similarly the feelings of love and connection are also so amazing that it makes the tough times worth working through. It's the hardships that make you stronger and help you grow both as a couple and as individuals.
If you do feel like you've reached a standstill on an issue, we're here to help. Reach out to your Local Centre for a chat about the concerns you have.
2. 'We should be able to work this out on our own'
Our counsellors often have people come into the counselling room with an inbuilt resistance to the idea of needing therapy. They believe that if they're meant to be together, they should be able to work it out on their own without any external help.
This is a frustrating place to start from, for them and for us. I mean, you likely weren't taught how to be good at relationships at school or at home, then how on earth are you supposed to just know?
It's a pretty big expectation to have of yourself and those around you. Especially because relationships, emotions, and human beings are such complex and magnificent things. Relationships are a skill you need to learn and practice again and again.
3. Arguing is bad
Everyone argues; it's a normal, healthy part of being in a relationship. In fact, often it's more worrying when people say they never argue, because that's when you're at risk of bottling issues up.
It's not arguing, but the way you argue and resolve conflict that can be bad. If your arguments are very intense and damaging and there's no apology and resolution to them, then they can feel very threatening in your relationship.
Relationship Counselling can help you to look at how to communicate more fairly and effectively so arguments aren't so daunting, but can actually be seen as useful in getting issues resolved.
4. 'We should be having sex all the time'
Some people worry that they aren't having as much sex as they should be. Young children, work, study, travel, running households and a whole bunch of other everyday activities have pushed sex off the agenda.
That's totally normal. Realistically, our sex lives will ebb and flow according to the demands on our energy and time. If you're having loads of sex, everywhere, all the time, in lots of different positions, that's great! But I would say you're in the minority rather than that being the 'norm' for most people.
Let's look at it from a purely physical level: if you're stressed and tired, all the blood needed to actually have sex will be rushing away from your genitals to other parts of your body. This doesn't have anything to do with attraction to your partner or the state of your relationship.
Often it's the worry that you're not having sex that puts pressure on you. If you can talk about the fact that it's actually ok and take the pressure off yourselves, you might find when you relax, that's when the sexual feelings come back.
If you do want to improve your sex life, our sex therapy service can help you either create a more fulfilling sex life together, or give you a little kick start in reigniting the passion.
5. 'If they love me, they'll change'
This is often the underlying feeling people bring into the counselling room. We see people in limbo all the time, unable to progress because they are caught in an internal struggle between what they want their partners to be and who they actually are.
Just because somebody loves you, doesn't mean that they can be someone they're not, or give you something they don't have. Even if they want to, it's like asking a cat to be a dog.
Saying that, of course there's room to grow and negotiate, but everyone has to be open to doing this for the relationship to work. But what it comes down to is you may have to accept your partner for who they are, or recognise that the relationship is not going to work long term and find someone who does meet your needs and gives you what you want.
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