We have different values

What to do if you have different values to your partner?

Sometimes conversations grind to a halt. Neither you nor your partner is prepared to give way. That’s often because it could feel like you’ve ‘lost’ the argument or been defeated. No one want to feel like that so that’s why we often up the ante. We keep saying the same thing louder and louder but get the same result of not being heard by our partner. That well known situation of “I’m not talking to you/Well that’s OK because I’m not listening” is one lots of us might recognize... 

If that sounds familiar, here are some different ways to try and get the conversation moving in a direction that feels OK for both of you. 

Talk about your differences. 

It’s an obvious one, but bears saying: if you’re having a disagreement, talk it over. Listen to what each other has to say. And that means really listening – not just waiting for your turn to speak. When it comes to explaining your own position, speak calmly, openly and honestly. Don’t attack your partner’s ideas, simply stick to what it is that you think e.g. using “I think/feel ...”. It may be that, after talking things through, you realise you aren’t quite as opposed as you thought – or that one member of the couple relaxes their view a little. At any rate, making sure you understand each other’s opinions properly gives you a much surer footing from which to move forward.

Try to see where your partner is coming from. 

You may be able to understand your partner’s opinion better if you try to understand the reasons behind it. Perhaps they grew up in a very different environment or received a different kind of education to you. Perhaps they’ve been influenced by family members or friends. And it may be worth doing the same for your own opinion – do you hold your beliefs because they simply make the most sense or because someone else thought they did? There are lots of reasons why we think as we do.

Find the common ground. 

Even if your ideas are different, it’s likely that you agree on certain key things – after all, it’s unlikely you’d have any interest in each other if you were completely opposed on every level! Don’t just focus on the differences: recognise that there are plenty of areas for which you have common ground too.  Make sure you talk about those too. It can be very bonding to share ideas in common with a partner and celebrate those times when something was difficult to talk about but you managed it in the end. Perhaps you can use those skills together in other difficult conversations.

Don’t force things. 

It isn’t healthy to try to impose your beliefs on another person. In fact, having different opinions can be healthy and interesting. You may want to think in terms of embracing your differences – seeing them as positives rather than potential sources of friction. After all, the world would be a boring place if we all agreed 100% of the time!

Are they right? 

 It isn’t always easy to accept that someone might have things closer to the mark than we do, but it’s a sign of true maturity to consider the possibility. If you were weighing up the disagreement objectively, whose side would you be on? Sometimes, coming up against ideas that are different to our own can be an opportunity to learn, as long as we’re not too proud to take it! Being able to say to a partner that having thought about it, you see where they're coming from and what they're saying makes a bit more sense than you previously is a really mature way of acknowledging that you're open to different ideas. But a warning sign to watch out for. If it’s always you that 'has' or is expected to shift position, then there's something wrong and it may be a sign of domestic abuse.

Know your boundaries. 

That said, it is important to figure out how different is too different. If you feel like the things that you and your partner are disagreeing on are fundamentally important to you – and that you aren’t likely to be able to find a compromise – it might be worth thinking about how this could affect things in future. After all, if they really are dealbreakers, it’s likely they’ll come up again.

"I want you to be like me."

Sometimes we want our partner to think exactly as we do. Believing in the same things is an important part of any relationship because it's often what attracts us to each other, Sometimes though we assume a partner thinks like we do only to find, usually at a key point in the relationship, that actually, they don't. That's why talking about anything that's a fundamental core belief or principle you hold dear is a really important thing to do with a new partner. Political beliefs, whether you want children, monogamy, attitudes to drugs or alcohol, whatever they may be, sounding out a partner on any non-negotiables early on may prevent heartbreak later on.  

Agreeing to differ.

Knowing when to stop disagreeing on something is a key skill in any relationship. Sometimes just acknowledging together that it's obvious you have different ideas on something and that that's 'OK' can be very useful. Try not to keep dredging the same point up over and over again though. Respecting that each of you is entitled to hold an opinion that may be different to yours is part of creating a shared  respect and connection in any relationship, as is being able to say sorry if things have become heated. Again though saying sorry should never be one sided activity. If you're the one who's job it is to always make things better by apologising, then maybe it's time to have a think about whether this is the right relationship for you.