It’s important, in a relationship, that both partners feel content with the power that they each hold. In many relationships, this will be more or less equal. In others, it may be balanced differently, for a range of reasons, but as long as this works for both, that’s ok.
To put it simply, both of you should feel that, overall, you have an equal say in the relationship. Neither of you should feel that your opinion is being sidelined, or that you never get to make any big (or even small) decisions. It’s important that you can talk things through whenever there are any disagreements or one of you thinks there needs to be a change.
But it’s also the case that the balance of power in relationships isn’t often fixed. Very often, people naturally find themselves playing to their strengths. One of you may be more sociable and have more influence in organising your joint social life. The other might be more practical and will be responsible for ensuring that your home is not falling apart. Or maybe one of you might be better at managing your joint finances and that works best for you both. What you might call ‘power’ can change depending on the situation, or the personality types of the people involved.
Most of the time, this mixing and trading of responsibility is an entirely natural and healthy way of doing things. It means you can do what you’re best at and rely on the others to help out with the rest. Choosing a partner who compensates for some of our weaknesses is one of the best and most nourishing things about finding a good relationship.
However, it does mean that both partners need to be able to maintain a sense of fluidity and be able to negotiate around areas of responsibility. Equal power doesn’t mean things being totally equal all the time. More likely, it means being able to swap between ‘who does what’ in a way that works for both people.
What does this mean on a practical level?
Put simply, it means checking in with your partner about what you are expecting from each other and whether any change is needed.
This might mean expressing what you find difficult. Saying something like: ‘I’d quite like to choose where we go for dinner tonight as I haven’t chosen in a while’. Or: ‘I’d like some help organising the kids’ birthday parties this year — I’m finding it difficult on my own’. Or: ‘There’s something I’ve been finding hard at work — can I tell you about it?’ It can feel awkward or as though you are complaining if you are mentioning what’s bothering you, but it can be good to try to push through this and be open about what you’re thinking. Otherwise, it can be easy to feel you don’t have a say about certain things because it’s not something you are normally involved in deciding.
Evolving roles
Some of this might sound fairly obvious, but it can be easy to fall into the trap of assuming certain roles in your relationship and not checking whether these are continuing to work for both of you.
While one person might broadly be satisfied being the person who books the holidays, or takes the kids to school, or chooses the new car, they may not be satisfied always doing this. They may want the flexibility to know that, if they ask, their partner will be willing to do this themselves once in a while.
Likewise, roles in a relationship can change over time. Sometimes, this can be through new experiences or changes in circumstances. Situations such as having a baby, moving house, one of you getting a new job or being made redundant, or one of you becoming ill or suffering a bereavement — all of these things can destabilise what you thought were relatively fixed elements of your relationship. What one of you might have had time or energy to do before, they may no longer have the time and energy to do now. Or it may be that the new experience has given them a different perspective on things — they may begin to see themselves differently, and so want to do different things.
Although it’s not always easy, it’s important to be open to this — to be able to accept that your partner won’t always be exactly the person they were when you met them. As long as you can keep maintaining your connection — tending to one another’s needs but being mindful of how these needs may be evolving — then you’ll stand a good chance of keeping your relationship strong over time.
Power and abuse
It’s important to remember that when power in a relationship is extremely imbalanced, you can begin to experience abuse.
An abusive relationship is one in which one partner is being controlled, either deliberately or unthinkingly. This can include a range of behaviours, but it might mean constantly belittling someone so they feel small and intimidated, using emotional blackmail designed to manipulate someone into behaving in certain ways or believing that they are incapable of making a decision, or even physical violence.
Abusing power in this way in a relationship is never ok. If you feel you might be in an abusive relationship, it’s important to try and seek support so you can begin to address what’s going on. The National Domestic Violence helpline is a confidential, free, 24 hour service where you can talk to someone who can provide emotional support and help you decide what to do.
How we can help
If you’re looking for support with your relationships, we can help. We offer a range of ways to speak with a trained relationship expert including ongoing counselling, 30 minute web and phone chats, and one session therapy.
Find out which service is right for you
How you can help
Have you found this advice helpful? Make a donation to help us reach more people and continue supporting the nation’s relationships:
Can't afford to donate? We understand. Instead, we ask that you leave us a 5 star review on Trustpilot.