Depression in relationships

How relationships can affect depression

Strong and healthy relationships have the potential to help us cope with the symptoms of depression and, in some circumstances, can be a big influence on whether a person becomes depressed.  

They give us a support network – people to talk to and loved ones we can rely on when things are difficult. They can help us to maintain perspective and just generally feel less alone. ONS figures collected in June/July 2022 indicated that almost 87% of adults said they could rely on close family and friends if they had a serious problem and this greatly boosts a sense of well-being. 

Conversely, evidence suggests that people in troubled relationships are three times as likely to experience depression as those who aren’t. Unhappy or unsupportive relationships are a risk factor for depression. Some studies have found that over 60% of those with depression consider relationship problems to be the main cause of their illness. 

Experiencing depression may have no connection with the relationship itself or it may be linked to a relationship that feels punishing or dysfunctional.  Feeling blamed, ignored or taken for granted by a partner can lead to depression particularly if this dynamic continues over a period of time.   

How relationship counselling can help with depression

We see a lot of people affected by depression. While our counselling is not a treatment by itself, it can really help to work with someone who understands how depression can impact on a relationship.

They can help you begin to unpick what’s happening so you can get a better grip of the situation and how you might begin to address it. The idea is to help you feel like everything isn’t hopeless – that, actually, there are ways of managing what’s happening.

Here are some of the specific techniques we use.

Open communication. 

This is something we encourage in any form of counselling but it can be particularly important when it comes to depression. The kind of pressure that mental health issues can place on a relationship can be eased by talking openly and honestly about what each person is finding difficult. The counsellor will enable this process, making sure that each partner is able to speak and be heard. 

Externalising. 

This means detaching the condition from the person so you’re able to see the depression as the problem, not the person suffering from it. This could even mean giving it a name or referring to it in the third person. The idea is to help the person with depression see it as a separate entity, rather than being part of their personality. 

Breaking down the details. 

This means identifying the exact nature of the depression so we can see if there are any triggers and get a better idea of its severity. Lots of people come into counselling feeling like depression affects them all the time, but when you look at things in more detail, they begin to realise there are times when it’s not such an issue or that there are times when it’s particularly bad. Acknowledging what might be contributing to the depression and whether there are any specific sources of stress can be really useful. 

Making a timeline together. 

This is where we look at positive and negative events throughout the relationship. This helps to pinpoint when the depression first intruded itself into the relationship and looks at what else was happening around that time. Depression can often be linked to a loss of some kind (death or separation from a loved one, loss of identity, loss of job/status, loss of health/mobility, loss of purpose). For some people, it may be something that’s been experienced since childhood or adolescence.  Doing a timeline can also give each partner a better idea of how the other is feeling.  It’s quite usual to find that some events feel more or less significant to one partner than the other.